First a few updates;
Oklahoma was great! Stillwater is like St. Cloud with a southern accent and different names on their stores and restaurants, but the atmosphere is the same. There is a sense of community, a sense of the college town and definitely the sense of a small town. The newspaper I interviewed at was fun and lively with people I could see myself getting along with. It felt like a place I could make my home, but something extra just didn't click. London stayed in the back of my mind the whole time and I kept comparing the experiences I would have in Oklahoma to the experiences I would have in London and it just couldn't overpower my desire to go across seas.
There was also a 'sign' I encountered while I was there. I was at dinner the last night I stayed there with the editor in chief, and afterwards I got into my car and I was thinking which decision I wanted to make 'Oklahoma or London? Come on Tara.' As I pull out of the parking lot I look to my right and there in a shop window is a literal sign saying 'Clarks England.' Right then I just knew, I needed to go no matter what! Crazy huh? What an extremely cool thing to happen when I am at a crossroads in my life.
Since I have been back I have been vigorously getting ready for my trip. My target date to leave is March 12th unless something comes up that causes me to leave earlier or later. I bought a luggage set, sold more of my stuff, went through my clothes to decide what is going with me and getting tips from those that have traveled. I have also been working as much as I can to have some extra money in case the job hunt proves to be harder than I hope. I am applying for many journalism/media jobs as well as some nanny jobs just in case I need something to hold me over for a while.
It's all coming together slowly, with some disappointments as well. I may not be able to bring my dog, Captain, over with me right away because it costs quite a lot of money to get him on a plane and then through customs over there, so I may have to give him over to someone for a month or two before I can have him sent to me. I want to make sure I find a job with a steady cash flow so that I will not end up paying for him to get there then having to leave shortly after if I cannot find a job. Thankfully I know some people that may be able to take care of him for a little while. Hopefully it will work out for me to get him to me soon because right now he is the only stable thing in my life and I don't know what I would do without him. You dog lovers will definitely understand what I am going through-it's hard to just get rid of a dog especially when they become like family and even children to you.
By going to London I am definitely running. Maybe even sprinting.
I am running away from this current place, the place I went to high school, had my first job, the place I went to college and met some of my greatest friends, the place I lived and the feelings and memories here. They are not all bad mind you, but I don't feel like this is home anymore. They say home is where the heart is...well I don't even know where my heart is anymore so that must be the problem.
I am also running towards something. Towards a new adventure, a new place to make new memories, a place that can help fulfill the dreams that I think I have, or at least used to have. Towards a place that will help me discover myself again and a place that will open up new doors for me in my life.
I have come to the realization that nothing good lasts. I hate the fact I am being pessimistic with that statement, but I have put a lot of thought into it. Relationships just don't last. Whether it be friendships, families or couples. People are too selfish to keep good things going and somebody always messes it up somehow. Of course I want to be proven wrong, and I know there are a few exceptions, but not without their own hard times.
I'm not letting this get me down, rather I have realized I will not ever be able to have a long-term relationship, which is fine because if I did then I would have to give up my dreams of seeing the world (and I have done that a few times already with relationships). There is just no way I could ask someone to give up their life to travel the world with me.
SO I will be going solo! I will try my best to make friends everywhere I go, experience and soak in the many cultures I hope to see, then take pictures and write about them. Why not be that person, because there has to be somebody that does this, so here I am jumping and raising my hand to be picked for this wonderful adventure. I know when my life ends I do not want to look back and think I really missed out on something in the world. I did the whole Love thing, I've experienced it, so now I am moving on to other experiences.
I guess it just hurt so much in the end and I don't want to go through that again. I'm still hurting. And I hate that I have this known weakness about me that just unravels all my strength and emotions at times. Yes I call it a weakness, though some may disagree, but I feel that way when something brings me down to a point that I feel useless and unimportant and average. I'm just ready for a change, and the United Kingdom is definitely change!
A song to end with;
The way I’ve gone a hundred times before,
But now I’m left behind to make all of this make sense.
And now your voice is haunting me,
Just out of reach, it buries me.
Is this the better off that you meant?
~Emery
