What is left of me is....well me I suppose, but a different me than I thought I would be.
I realized that all of my blogs don't focus on the real root of my problems. On the place that they stemmed from.
But why dwell on the problems in the past. Maybe it still affects me, but the thing is not many see it. Not many people have the patience to see me through, to see the faults I have and the reasons why I have acted the way I do......sometimes I want to yell out 'just ask me!!!' but then I know I would have a hard time telling it anyways.
My dilemma-saying it out loud in the public eye and possibly getting told how ridiculous I am. I know there are others in worse situations than me, so what makes me special, right?
One of the only reasons I keep writing in this is because I know I have some great friends that understand, or want to anyways, and because I hope I can reach out to somebody else somehow-otherwise I feel like a whinny kid without these reasons.....
Maybe one day my dad will read this, maybe one day he will see how much I had needed him at one point in my life and maybe one day he will, I don't know, reach out maybe? But is that what I even want?
I have been happy with my life as it is. My mom and my sister have been more than what I needed.....yet maybe a void has been left open. This has possibly affected the relationships I have had in my life....I definitely know it has affected how much I trust people.
Abandonment Issues. I have mentioned this in earlier posts and I know it exists within me.
I have such great family and friends though-ones willing to give me advice on where to at least start with the path I am heading towards, or to put in a good word for me. And yet I still feel I have to pave my path on my own....why is that? Why can I not accept or ask for help when it is in front of me?
London is for me.....this move, this different place, this time in my life is what I need to reassess what I have been pursuing throughout my life, and yet I have still not figured anything out. Maybe there is a flaw, something missing or maybe I am just in such a negative place in my life that I can't focus on moving forward.
There is possibly, well...possibilities that have become present that could lead me to somewhere else in my life.....but how can I give into these, how can I make these decisions when it hasn't worked out for me in the past.
I ask for help more than you can see-just I get denied so often that you don't see that part and you just see someone that can't ask for help....how am I supposed to ask for help when I am constantly denied this?
So I am left-in this bubble of self-reliance and possibly some self-pity with how I came to this point. But I am learning and I am growing, so who can fault me for that?
My greatest passion is to see the world-no matter how I achieve this. If I am meant to do it alone, then so be it. At least I know I have my family and friends to show up every once in a while for a visit, which all are definitely welcome ;)
So what is left of me is a passion, which leads to a dream and hopefully to some self-fulfillment :) We will see how these stones of life turn!
