strength.

I have to stay strong.

At least that's what I'm told. And I want to stay strong so very much, but yet I have my weak days, like yesterday. I had barely been back from Colorado for a day and I have a weak day.

Enough is enough though right? I know this will happen. Good days, then bad days, and then the bad will eventually fade away over time. But it's just so hard when I see that he is doing just fine, that nothing fazes him.

Yuck-how can someone be like that? Just to be able to turn their emotions off completely and become utterly selfish? I'm not ok with selfish, and I have mentioned before how relationships are give and take which makes it work. So I don't want to be with a selfish person, or an unemotional one at that. And yet part of me wants things to go back to how they were, it still doesn't want to give up on the life we had and the dreams we shared and created.....

I'm going to be strong because I know I will get through this a better person. Colorado helped spur me into some motivation and inspiration again, so I will try to hold onto that.

I have an opportunity to possibly get a job at the local newspaper. I was saying in another post how I feel stuck in this place and how I would like to get out, but how can I pass up such a great opportunity? I could try for it and if I get it then I could keep looking for other journalism jobs and see what happens, but the bad thing is I will have to see him around. Even if it's not physically, I will still see the memories more clearly, the people we made friends with, or even see him with someone new. These things might tear me apart and I don't know if I can handle them.

Being strong has always been a part of my childhood, and yet I feel it crumbling away sometimes-all the work I put towards being a strong, independent woman is fading slowly. I know I won't ever lose it all completely, but I don't know how to keep it either.

My friends are amazing. They are helping me through things and being there for me in many ways. Many know their words won't really help, but just being around them helps, at least in the distraction area. I have been doing many things to distract myself, maybe not all healthy, but I'm learning.

Today has been a better day. I applied for more jobs, many including magazine positions in New York City, which would be a fun place to be located at for a while. I feel slightly hopeful at the idea of getting somewhere with my new career.

So here's to Strength and to staying motivated!!!

P.S. Thanks for reading-it helps to get this all out in some way and knowing I have friends watching over me is comforting.