just a dog.

A poem that was given to me today and it embodies everything that Captain meant to me, so I decided to share it on my blog. I hope it helps people to understand that animals are more and the connections some people have with them can be deep and full of emotion. It may seem silly to some and unrealistic to others, but this is how I feel and I'm ok if not everyone agrees as long as they see and respect my side.


Please read the poem and just take a few minutes to soak it in.


JUST A DOG

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or "that's a lot of money for just a dog."

They don't understand the distance travelled, the time spent,
or the costs involved for "just a dog."

Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog."

Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
"just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch
of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you probably understand
phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise."

"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship,
trust, and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience
that makes me a better person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look
longingly to the future.

So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog"
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future,
the fond memories of the past and the pure joy of the moment.

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts
away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog"
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being 
"just a man" or "just a woman."

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog,"
just smile,
because they "just don't understand."

~Unknown Author~

oh captain, my captain.

The time has come to say goodbye to the best thing that ever happened to me - my gorgeous baby, Captain.

Even though it was cruel and unfair and way too early for his life to end, it still had to happen.

I added the collage to show some of his many faces and with one of his favorite toys, his shark, which he tore apart pretty well.

He has been with me for 4 years and man we have been through a lot together. I will always remember how excited he was to see me after I got back from Colorado, which was about 4 months of us being apart. I knew then that he would never be anyone else's dog but my own. The love I have for him is immense and I'm not sure anyone could really understand. He has been with me through thick and thin and I feel like a failed parent by not being able to be there with him at the end....

It would not have been fair to him to go through with any surgery or to keep him alive because he would never be the same-he would not be able to run like he loves to, or chase things or jump up into my arms, or just be the loving puppy I will always know him to be.

My great comfort at this time is knowing that he was with people that loved and cared for him this past month and some days. I know he was an extremely happy puppy throughout his life up until his last day.

This pain is greater than anything I have dealt with, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to move past it.....

I thank my family and friends for being there for me as much as they could with this distance (since I am in England at the moment while this all happened back in Minnesota). And I know I put them through a lot by not being able to accept this ending right away, but knowing I had such caring people around me during this time has meant a lot to me and it helped me to accept the truthfulness of the situation.

Now to lay down on my bed in my little attic and think about how I will take my next steps over these next few days......

pain.

I'm sitting here in my PJ's, after having a couple....maybe a few....glasses of wine, reminiscing over days past. I may be shedding some small tears thinking about how much I wish I could take many things back, thinking about how things could be different. Mostly I am taken back to my apartment near the Lincoln Depot in St. Cloud and how much potential that place had with starting a different path in my life....a path I would very much choose over my current one.

Now I am at a crossroads....I have checked off a few things from my bucket list (which has now become a written/typed document and is being recorded as I go along in life) such as getting a tattoo (in one of the most risky places on the body when it comes to jobs/careers-my left hand) and gauging my ears (I have been at 8g for about 4 weeks now and it took me 3 weeks to get there-still deciding if I want to go one more size bigger) and traveling to places across the world (including London/England and Barcelona so far). I'm now realizing the pain I am giving myself is not doing as much physically compared to what I feel emotionally, which is possibly crazy, but maybe I am trying to find some sort of outlet....

The crossroads is whether I want to find a photography job out here, actually anywhere, or to go for something non-profit, like I had been planning to do not very long ago....maybe something in Africa-like I've dreamed of for a while, or maybe something in the States, just to get a start somewhere. Or maybe I want to do some sort of ESL program, which would be another way for me to travel and see the world in places I could do some good. But maybe it would be better for me to stay where I currently am, build some friendships and see where life takes me from here. Clearly, I am unsure on where I want to go, and figuring it out is just giving me more of a headache.

Writing this makes me realize how far behind I have become on my travel blog....funny how it's easier for me to write about my emotional feelings than about my travels (which is supposed to be my passion). I guess I don't know where to start when it comes to my travel experiences...so much time has passed now that I am not sure what I want to write about anymore...so many things have become game-changing experiences and I'm not sure how much I want to share--if that makes any sense.

So I sit here, maybe shedding a few tears, maybe just soaking up the wine, and I remember how much my dreams used to excite me. Now that I am here, living my dreams, it's not quite the same as I imagined. In some ways it's so much more amazing and in others it's lacking and not quite what I imagined.

This life we live is so confusing. I wish it were back during the days when people would work through their problems instead of just throwing them away and leaving them behind....but who am I to talk when all I do is run from problems, or avoid the start of them so that it doesn't get to that point.

Alas, my issues have evolved to questions on whether this life is even worth it anymore. On what I am truly meant to be in this life.

To end with part of a song once again-this time one that was given to me during a time spent apart...

I watch the night turn light blue,
but it's not the same without you,
because it takes two to whisper quietly.
The silence isn't so bad,
till I look at my hands and feel sad...
'Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly...


~Owl City