pain.

I'm sitting here in my PJ's, after having a couple....maybe a few....glasses of wine, reminiscing over days past. I may be shedding some small tears thinking about how much I wish I could take many things back, thinking about how things could be different. Mostly I am taken back to my apartment near the Lincoln Depot in St. Cloud and how much potential that place had with starting a different path in my life....a path I would very much choose over my current one.

Now I am at a crossroads....I have checked off a few things from my bucket list (which has now become a written/typed document and is being recorded as I go along in life) such as getting a tattoo (in one of the most risky places on the body when it comes to jobs/careers-my left hand) and gauging my ears (I have been at 8g for about 4 weeks now and it took me 3 weeks to get there-still deciding if I want to go one more size bigger) and traveling to places across the world (including London/England and Barcelona so far). I'm now realizing the pain I am giving myself is not doing as much physically compared to what I feel emotionally, which is possibly crazy, but maybe I am trying to find some sort of outlet....

The crossroads is whether I want to find a photography job out here, actually anywhere, or to go for something non-profit, like I had been planning to do not very long ago....maybe something in Africa-like I've dreamed of for a while, or maybe something in the States, just to get a start somewhere. Or maybe I want to do some sort of ESL program, which would be another way for me to travel and see the world in places I could do some good. But maybe it would be better for me to stay where I currently am, build some friendships and see where life takes me from here. Clearly, I am unsure on where I want to go, and figuring it out is just giving me more of a headache.

Writing this makes me realize how far behind I have become on my travel blog....funny how it's easier for me to write about my emotional feelings than about my travels (which is supposed to be my passion). I guess I don't know where to start when it comes to my travel experiences...so much time has passed now that I am not sure what I want to write about anymore...so many things have become game-changing experiences and I'm not sure how much I want to share--if that makes any sense.

So I sit here, maybe shedding a few tears, maybe just soaking up the wine, and I remember how much my dreams used to excite me. Now that I am here, living my dreams, it's not quite the same as I imagined. In some ways it's so much more amazing and in others it's lacking and not quite what I imagined.

This life we live is so confusing. I wish it were back during the days when people would work through their problems instead of just throwing them away and leaving them behind....but who am I to talk when all I do is run from problems, or avoid the start of them so that it doesn't get to that point.

Alas, my issues have evolved to questions on whether this life is even worth it anymore. On what I am truly meant to be in this life.

To end with part of a song once again-this time one that was given to me during a time spent apart...

I watch the night turn light blue,
but it's not the same without you,
because it takes two to whisper quietly.
The silence isn't so bad,
till I look at my hands and feel sad...
'Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly...


~Owl City