trust.

Trust is a very, very tricky thing....why is it so hard for me to give in?

I have been let down plenty of times through multiple situations and relationships throughout my short life, so it makes sense when it becomes hard for me to open myself up to another human being.

Even opening up on my own, to myself, can be difficult (if that makes any sense).

But when someone kind comes along, someone that seems interested in who I am as a person, it is so hard for me to think they want to know, to listen and to be involved.

In my last blog I talked about wanting to become happy once again, but I think now I have become better at hiding the sadness or darkness or whatever you want to call it. I feel happier in many, many ways and my eyes are opening up to more of the beauty in this world once again, but I still have my moments....

Moments where I miss my old path, my old goals and my old motivation and inspiration. They have disappeared and finding them again puts a slight damper on my newfound happiness.

Yet I will trek on and figure out this new life I am pursuing. And I will try new things to help me open up to the new (and hopefully better) person I am becoming. The people I am meeting are helping me open my eyes to more of the world and the cultures. My experiences so far have not made me regret my move out here and I plan to keep up my perseverance and feed the adventure side of me as much as I can.

Trust....well that's something I will have to figure out on the way-but one thing I have learned is that there is always a catch and I just have to make sure to keep my feet grounded and stay true to myself.


'There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on, it gets hard to breath....
Well, I'm not sure of my priorities,
I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be...
When my head is strong, but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty...
I guess there's so much more I have to learn'


~James Morrison  (because the songs I quote are sometimes cheesy  ;) )

improving.

'Addicted to a certain kind of sadness...'

It's a quote from a song and it's definitely an interesting phrase to think about.

People tend to flock to others that give them a certain emotion. If you are in a sad place, you tend to be around others that are in a similar state because let's face it-being around happy people when you are sad makes you a little resentful of their happiness-not because of the person, but because you want to be that happy and you just aren't ready to get there yet.

On the other end, when you are sad but ready to be happy, that's when being around happy people can help because then it rubs off on your emotions.

I feel like that is happening to me now. I was in a sad place and being around happy people was hard even though I could cover up the sadness most of the time. But now, I am ready to be happy, I want to be happy, so I want to be around happiness.

I want to be around people that will consistently encourage and push me to be the person I want to be.

The sadness is still there, it's not easy to completely shake it off, but I am fighting to break the surface of the drowning sea I have been struggling in.

Focusing on myself and the life I want has been uplifting-yes it has been a struggle, but I am learning who I am again. I am enjoying my own company again, as well as the company of others that bring out my personality-that enjoy me for me.

I have hidden parts of myself for too long. I want to break free of my darkness and live again. What greater place to come to this conclusion than London!!

(I wrote this in a notebook on the bus-when inspiration comes, you go with it and it felt great to feel inspired outside of my bubble in my room!)