Risking Lives...

We're all risking lives if we are not living.

For me, traveling is living, traveling is everything.

For others, families, working or doing the best they can to just live.

Go out, travel, see more, experience more - it's one of the only ways you will see how life is really like, and then make your judgements from there, but try and see what it brings you, even if it's just for a short time.

Almost two years ago I started traveling, and if I didn't go I would be working at a newspaper with benefits, a great apartment and maybe the start of something different...

But I am in Ireland, awaiting whatever adventures may come, building towards a future of life stories instead of a future behind a desk.

This is what living is about for me.

Risking a life I could have had for the life I have now - traveling, experiencing, meeting new and exciting people, just living.

I know when I grow old I will have stories to tell of the crazy adventures I had by going after what I wanted....

What will you have to tell?

Make sure it's something good, something worth it and not something you will regret.

Much Love,

Tara

Amnesia...

It's been over a year since my last post...or near to it anyways.

Now I feel a bit like Amnesia has set in - I don't remember everything that has happened in the last year, just bits and pieces really.

Where did I even leave off? I didn't read my last post before I wrote this one. Thought it would be best to help me 'start over' in a way. To write from what I feel now.

Now.

I'm working too much, suffering the fragile friendships I do have and lost in this life once again.

I know I started out this blog lost, but is there ever a time when we are not lost in life?

When it came to writing about what I was going through this past year, I was...I guess...embarrassed would be the right word. I have done things I never thought I would. Things I promised to myself since I was a kid I wouldn't do. But I developed this mentality to 'try everything once' and I let myself go.

Not in a bad way, though I guess you could say I was close a few times, just to losing who I was that is. And not in the way you are thinking - let's get that out of your head right now!

I started this blog out of heartbreak, to help myself and those that may be going through the same things as me, or similar anyways.

Now I'm restarting it in heartbreak again, but in a different way than before, very much different as I know I have grown up quite a bit from the last time.

Now, I'm heartbroken in that I let myself get caught up in another person and I forgot who I was. I'm heartbroken that I lost friendships along the way that were great. I'm heartbroken that I didn't stick to focusing on myself and what I needed and wanted to do with my life.

I set out on this adventure exactly 1 year, 6 months and 18 days ago to chase after my dreams of becoming a writer, a photographer and a world traveller.

In that time I have seen so many amazing things - London, Oxford, Barcelona, Paris, Dublin, Galway (and the Cliffs of Moher), Cork (including Ballymaloe), Sicily, Salerno, Cassino and Rome, Italy - and yet I have seen so little in this time I have spent on this side of the Atlantic. I got so caught up in someone else's life that I forgot about my own.

Now my one year in Ireland is almost up, and possibly wasted for most of it, but I may have another chance. I may have the chance to stay longer and do more of what I intended to set out to do in the beginning.

Now the question is whether I can stick to focusing on me, my job and my friendships.

Amnesia is defined as 'a partial or total loss of memory.' I'm hoping I can develop a small bit of amnesia for the last year I spent in Ireland and focus on the good things that have happened and the good things that have yet to come.

I want to do so much more with my life, and I know I could do some amazing things with where I've taken myself so far, I just have to get that focus back once again to do these.

Now.

To focus on my writing, my photography, my blogging, my traveling and my job. These are what I want to do and have pushed back for too long.

Thankfully I felt a small bit of inspiration from somewhere unexpected and could spur up the courage to write a little something about what has been going on this past year or so.

Now, friends, keep in touch and don't lose focus on what you want in life, no matter what it is. And if you do, even for a small time, always try to get back on track in some way.

Your dreams are what makes you who you are and if you strive for them constantly you will find something quite unexpected.

And don't forget that dreams can shape and change as you go along - it's what makes life so much more interesting, the unknowing and the challenges that get thrown your way.

Now to end in a quote with a good meaning:

'Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.'
Steven Wright

(Isn't it so true that we humans keep making the same mistakes over and over? The only good thing is that we somehow learn bit by bit and the mistakes change with who we are and, thus, even if we make the same mistakes, it feels so very different at each progressive point in our lives)

Peace and Love,
Tara

forward.

I. Am. Lost.

Maybe moving forward involves going backwards.....

The last few days of being back in London (from a short trip to Minnesota to see friends and family over my birthday weekend) have made me realize that maybe I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.

How to make sense of this eludes me at the moment though. I mean, if I am here in London, why then is it not working out for me? What am I doing wrong?

I feel like I am being given signs to go back to Colorado-to start over back there, where I can take photos of boarders and skiers, of which I love doing! And from there to rebuild what I want to do, or at least figure something else out in an environment that gives me great inspiration.

Traveling excited me....and it still does! So much! But what I imagine seems to be different than the reality....of course it could be my current state of mind effecting the way I see things right now. I mean I am in Sicily, Italy, a place I never imagined I would be at this time in my life, but the excitement wears down to...shoot, I don't know; loneliness, sadness, frustration, etc.

So now to reflect and reevaluate to figure out what my next path will be. This path seems to have dead ends so far in many different ways; superficial friends, unkept promises, untold truths, hidden meanings, misunderstandings and misfortunes.

To fix the damage that has been done I need to restart...somewhere, whether here in London or back in Colorado, but I have to find a way soon before I go crazy, because right now my mind is swimming so darn much and I can't find a shore, or relief of any kind, to catch a breath.

Any ideas and input would be much appreciated. I already know my family would love to see me in Colorado, haha, as they feel it's at least a little bit closer to them. Aside from that, I still have reservations on if it's the right time to leave London-I mean I gave up so much to come here (including the love of my life-Captain) and I am not sure I can give it up just yet, but at the same time this city, and the current job, is draining me. If only I could find the stable photography or journalism job I started out to find, but yet is that what I really want as well?

After I get back from this beautiful holiday in Sicily, I am determined to find out and to try just a little harder to see what I can find in London journalism-wise, otherwise I may have to face that it's just time for me to take a step back and work towards traveling this way again....I will not give up my travels, but I don't think this is the way I wanted it to be to begin with, so maybe I need to see the world through another path.

left.

What is left of me is....well me I suppose, but a different me than I thought I would be.

I realized that all of my blogs don't focus on the real root of my problems. On the place that they stemmed from.

But why dwell on the problems in the past. Maybe it still affects me, but the thing is not many see it. Not many people have the patience to see me through, to see the faults I have and the reasons why I have acted the way I do......sometimes I want to yell out 'just ask me!!!' but then I know I would have a hard time telling it anyways.

My dilemma-saying it out loud in the public eye and possibly getting told how ridiculous I am. I know there are others in worse situations than me, so what makes me special, right?

One of the only reasons I keep writing in this is because I know I have some great friends that understand, or want to anyways, and because I hope I can reach out to somebody else somehow-otherwise I feel like a whinny kid without these reasons.....

Maybe one day my dad will read this, maybe one day he will see how much I had needed him at one point in my life and maybe one day he will, I don't know, reach out maybe? But is that what I even want?

I have been happy with my life as it is. My mom and my sister have been more than what I needed.....yet maybe a void has been left open. This has possibly affected the relationships I have had in my life....I definitely know it has affected how much I trust people.

Abandonment Issues. I have mentioned this in earlier posts and I know it exists within me.

I have such great family and friends though-ones willing to give me advice on where to at least start with the path I am heading towards, or to put in a good word for me. And yet I still feel I have to pave my path on my own....why is that? Why can I not accept or ask for help when it is in front of me?

London is for me.....this move, this different place, this time in my life is what I need to reassess what I have been pursuing throughout my life, and yet I have still not figured anything out. Maybe there is a flaw, something missing or maybe I am just in such a negative place in my life that I can't focus on moving forward.

There is possibly, well...possibilities that have become present that could lead me to somewhere else in my life.....but how can I give into these, how can I make these decisions when it hasn't worked out for me in the past.

I ask for help more than you can see-just I get denied so often that you don't see that part and you just see someone that can't ask for help....how am I supposed to ask for help when I am constantly denied this?

So I am left-in this bubble of self-reliance and possibly some self-pity with how I came to this point. But I am learning and I am growing, so who can fault me for that?

My greatest passion is to see the world-no matter how I achieve this. If I am meant to do it alone, then so be it. At least I know I have my family and friends to show up every once in a while for a visit, which all are definitely welcome  ;)

So what is left of me is a passion, which leads to a dream and hopefully to some self-fulfillment  :)  We will see how these stones of life turn!

reliance.

I can only rely on myself and trust in myself. Anything else just sets me up for disaster and disappointment and haven't I had enough of that in my life so far?? (I know I am still young, but hell I still feel like I have been through a shitload of shit, haha)

For once I am trying to live my life for myself, but people still have a way of digging in a little bit. Which should be fine except for the fact I can't trust anyone beyond a certain point and that trust takes so long to build and only a fraction of a second to destroy...

So once again, thanks to life and reality for once again showing me that my current walls are there to protect me.

Honestly, my mother should be so damn proud because I am truly amazed that I have not resorted to smoking, drugs, self-harm or other such things to drown my sorrows in. Instead I work, read and I watch TV shows to distract my mind in any possible way I can so that I don't go crazy with all the thoughts swimming through the (possible) depths of my 'Tara' brain.

Maybe my version of these addictions are not letting people get too close to me (refer to last blog post) and it's my own way of harming myself. Yet it protects me at the same time so that I don't get hurt in my current fragile state.

All I know is I'm realizing these walls are just getting thicker and it's going to take a pretty strong and patient person to knock them down.

Until that happens I will enjoy the life I have, the places I am seeing and the people I am meeting and I will do whatever I can to take any adventure that comes my way.

poetic.

It's called having a weak day....

Traveling includes the times you feel the lowest of the low, and missing the people you care about that are the furthest away from you.

Part of my being wants to have a companion so much, but I also realize there are not many people that want the same lifestyle as me and even less that will travel the world with me at the drop of a hat.

With this knowledge comes the occasional weak days of possible self-pity. The days when I will realize how alone I am and how much work I have put into doing this on my own.

Today is one of those weak days. And in a conversation through messaging I came across some good, maybe poetic, phrases that fit well with where I am emotionally and physically in this world at this time:

'you don't understand me, and I know that's partially my fault. I hope you can understand that I tried to be honest with you through it all...

you deserve someone that wants more and can open up to you in the ways you deserve. and someone that won't just talk about these things through lame old fb. I may be doomed to be alone for a long time (even maybe forever), but you are not in the same boat as me and you will find some greatness yet to come.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess of myself....I tried to warn you....but I still, I don't know, maybe hoped you would be smart enough to turn me down. so here I am hurting the both of us. and I put myself in this god awful position.

I have a lot of damage to work through. I'm not sure anyone on this earth can help me through it, so I must keep my distance so as not to hurt anyone...

I am realizing that I need to accept the company of myself these days as I am the only one I can depend on for a while. nothing against you....I just need this.

you don't understand. ....maybe this will help:

I have absolutely no hope

no hope in anyone being able to deal with me long term

no hope in anyone able to stick around

this includes my friends and my family

no hope in anyone understanding me completely

and I am ok with that....

being serious is too much for me.....being serious has only destroyed me. it has only destroyed the people I have gotten close to.

I came here for a reason. to run from my issues, and to save the people close to me from being hurt.

I am a disaster and I can't be fixed right now.

I am taking these experiences as a way to figure out who I am again...because I don't know

I am beyond confused with myself and I don't know where I am going

the last thing I wanted was to bring someone else into this, but you kept pushing me to open up.

so here I am.
damaged.
destroyed.
beyond help.
alone.
content with my situation.
and not wanting to hurt anyone else.'


Exact words/quotes from a conversation not too long ago this evening/late night.
I may have been rash and childish but I didn't know how else to get my feelings across...and yet they came out in a way that described me fairly well.

I saw a sign earlier today that said something like 'if you lose your dreams you will lose your mind.'
Then a friend said-'what if you forget your dreams?' my response was something along the lines of-'well forgetting is not yet losing, so your mind is still in tact for now', haha, guess it was my way of saying I hope I haven't lost my dreams yet and that I have just forgotten them for the time being.

I will find them again one day...

thoughtful.

My thoughts are consumed of the past, but strangely I feel humbled now. Or more like a numb feeling. What used to make me sad, now I feel like it was a battle I lost and there was nothing more I could do in the end no matter how hard I tried.

My happiness is now completely based on the present, with an avoidance of the past and a hopefulness for the future.

I am sleeping more than I used to, which is sadly making me more tired, and I am constantly thinking. Just thinking about life,where it's going and what I am doing. About the people around me. About my reactions to people. About their reactions to me. I'm dazing out in thought more and more frequently and I am constantly asked if I'm ok because I'm not reacting to a joke said in front of me. Of course I am fine, my mind is just so busy these days. And I can't keep these thoughts focused on just one stream-there's a constant flow of many streams and I'm not sure how to control it...

This is why I haven't written much lately-because I don't know what to write about. I want to learn and explore, but I sleep so much I usually miss my chances and waste my days, then I work at night-which is a whole other story, but I love it and it drives me crazy at the same time...the happy balance I have yet to find. Alas life still goes on and I must tread through these streams no matter what-such is life and its many difficulties.

(the part above was written last night at work when I felt inspired to jot down my thoughts, so I wrote in my server pad-the notes will be kept for future reference and laughs)

I am still more confused than ever on what I want with my life. My dependency and trust in people has dramatically declined and I can't seem to accept or ask for help from anyone. When people try to get close to me in deeper ways I seem to destroy them without realizing it and without meaning to.

I think my subconscious is just trying to keep them safe so that I don't hurt more people, so I push them away if they get too close. It's better to keep a distance. Make friends, but just so far as hanging out, having a few drinks and laughs and leaving it at that. Anything more will just lead to collateral damage, and I don't want that to happen. In this case I prefer to just hurt myself instead of anyone else.

On a lighter note-my motivation to find a proper job is increasing and I am giving myself a few more months in London to figure it out. If it doesn't work, then I will either find a resort job in the Alps or I will go to Colorado for the winter season, collect myself and my thoughts and go from there. I have come to realize more and more my dreams are to see the world in any possible way I can-so if taking photos is not the way to do it for me, then I will find a different way.

To be updated when something exciting or dramatic happens, or if I feel the need to jot down some thoughts, so until then.