poetic.

It's called having a weak day....

Traveling includes the times you feel the lowest of the low, and missing the people you care about that are the furthest away from you.

Part of my being wants to have a companion so much, but I also realize there are not many people that want the same lifestyle as me and even less that will travel the world with me at the drop of a hat.

With this knowledge comes the occasional weak days of possible self-pity. The days when I will realize how alone I am and how much work I have put into doing this on my own.

Today is one of those weak days. And in a conversation through messaging I came across some good, maybe poetic, phrases that fit well with where I am emotionally and physically in this world at this time:

'you don't understand me, and I know that's partially my fault. I hope you can understand that I tried to be honest with you through it all...

you deserve someone that wants more and can open up to you in the ways you deserve. and someone that won't just talk about these things through lame old fb. I may be doomed to be alone for a long time (even maybe forever), but you are not in the same boat as me and you will find some greatness yet to come.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess of myself....I tried to warn you....but I still, I don't know, maybe hoped you would be smart enough to turn me down. so here I am hurting the both of us. and I put myself in this god awful position.

I have a lot of damage to work through. I'm not sure anyone on this earth can help me through it, so I must keep my distance so as not to hurt anyone...

I am realizing that I need to accept the company of myself these days as I am the only one I can depend on for a while. nothing against you....I just need this.

you don't understand. ....maybe this will help:

I have absolutely no hope

no hope in anyone being able to deal with me long term

no hope in anyone able to stick around

this includes my friends and my family

no hope in anyone understanding me completely

and I am ok with that....

being serious is too much for me.....being serious has only destroyed me. it has only destroyed the people I have gotten close to.

I came here for a reason. to run from my issues, and to save the people close to me from being hurt.

I am a disaster and I can't be fixed right now.

I am taking these experiences as a way to figure out who I am again...because I don't know

I am beyond confused with myself and I don't know where I am going

the last thing I wanted was to bring someone else into this, but you kept pushing me to open up.

so here I am.
damaged.
destroyed.
beyond help.
alone.
content with my situation.
and not wanting to hurt anyone else.'


Exact words/quotes from a conversation not too long ago this evening/late night.
I may have been rash and childish but I didn't know how else to get my feelings across...and yet they came out in a way that described me fairly well.

I saw a sign earlier today that said something like 'if you lose your dreams you will lose your mind.'
Then a friend said-'what if you forget your dreams?' my response was something along the lines of-'well forgetting is not yet losing, so your mind is still in tact for now', haha, guess it was my way of saying I hope I haven't lost my dreams yet and that I have just forgotten them for the time being.

I will find them again one day...