thoughtful.

My thoughts are consumed of the past, but strangely I feel humbled now. Or more like a numb feeling. What used to make me sad, now I feel like it was a battle I lost and there was nothing more I could do in the end no matter how hard I tried.

My happiness is now completely based on the present, with an avoidance of the past and a hopefulness for the future.

I am sleeping more than I used to, which is sadly making me more tired, and I am constantly thinking. Just thinking about life,where it's going and what I am doing. About the people around me. About my reactions to people. About their reactions to me. I'm dazing out in thought more and more frequently and I am constantly asked if I'm ok because I'm not reacting to a joke said in front of me. Of course I am fine, my mind is just so busy these days. And I can't keep these thoughts focused on just one stream-there's a constant flow of many streams and I'm not sure how to control it...

This is why I haven't written much lately-because I don't know what to write about. I want to learn and explore, but I sleep so much I usually miss my chances and waste my days, then I work at night-which is a whole other story, but I love it and it drives me crazy at the same time...the happy balance I have yet to find. Alas life still goes on and I must tread through these streams no matter what-such is life and its many difficulties.

(the part above was written last night at work when I felt inspired to jot down my thoughts, so I wrote in my server pad-the notes will be kept for future reference and laughs)

I am still more confused than ever on what I want with my life. My dependency and trust in people has dramatically declined and I can't seem to accept or ask for help from anyone. When people try to get close to me in deeper ways I seem to destroy them without realizing it and without meaning to.

I think my subconscious is just trying to keep them safe so that I don't hurt more people, so I push them away if they get too close. It's better to keep a distance. Make friends, but just so far as hanging out, having a few drinks and laughs and leaving it at that. Anything more will just lead to collateral damage, and I don't want that to happen. In this case I prefer to just hurt myself instead of anyone else.

On a lighter note-my motivation to find a proper job is increasing and I am giving myself a few more months in London to figure it out. If it doesn't work, then I will either find a resort job in the Alps or I will go to Colorado for the winter season, collect myself and my thoughts and go from there. I have come to realize more and more my dreams are to see the world in any possible way I can-so if taking photos is not the way to do it for me, then I will find a different way.

To be updated when something exciting or dramatic happens, or if I feel the need to jot down some thoughts, so until then.