reliance.

I can only rely on myself and trust in myself. Anything else just sets me up for disaster and disappointment and haven't I had enough of that in my life so far?? (I know I am still young, but hell I still feel like I have been through a shitload of shit, haha)

For once I am trying to live my life for myself, but people still have a way of digging in a little bit. Which should be fine except for the fact I can't trust anyone beyond a certain point and that trust takes so long to build and only a fraction of a second to destroy...

So once again, thanks to life and reality for once again showing me that my current walls are there to protect me.

Honestly, my mother should be so damn proud because I am truly amazed that I have not resorted to smoking, drugs, self-harm or other such things to drown my sorrows in. Instead I work, read and I watch TV shows to distract my mind in any possible way I can so that I don't go crazy with all the thoughts swimming through the (possible) depths of my 'Tara' brain.

Maybe my version of these addictions are not letting people get too close to me (refer to last blog post) and it's my own way of harming myself. Yet it protects me at the same time so that I don't get hurt in my current fragile state.

All I know is I'm realizing these walls are just getting thicker and it's going to take a pretty strong and patient person to knock them down.

Until that happens I will enjoy the life I have, the places I am seeing and the people I am meeting and I will do whatever I can to take any adventure that comes my way.

poetic.

It's called having a weak day....

Traveling includes the times you feel the lowest of the low, and missing the people you care about that are the furthest away from you.

Part of my being wants to have a companion so much, but I also realize there are not many people that want the same lifestyle as me and even less that will travel the world with me at the drop of a hat.

With this knowledge comes the occasional weak days of possible self-pity. The days when I will realize how alone I am and how much work I have put into doing this on my own.

Today is one of those weak days. And in a conversation through messaging I came across some good, maybe poetic, phrases that fit well with where I am emotionally and physically in this world at this time:

'you don't understand me, and I know that's partially my fault. I hope you can understand that I tried to be honest with you through it all...

you deserve someone that wants more and can open up to you in the ways you deserve. and someone that won't just talk about these things through lame old fb. I may be doomed to be alone for a long time (even maybe forever), but you are not in the same boat as me and you will find some greatness yet to come.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess of myself....I tried to warn you....but I still, I don't know, maybe hoped you would be smart enough to turn me down. so here I am hurting the both of us. and I put myself in this god awful position.

I have a lot of damage to work through. I'm not sure anyone on this earth can help me through it, so I must keep my distance so as not to hurt anyone...

I am realizing that I need to accept the company of myself these days as I am the only one I can depend on for a while. nothing against you....I just need this.

you don't understand. ....maybe this will help:

I have absolutely no hope

no hope in anyone being able to deal with me long term

no hope in anyone able to stick around

this includes my friends and my family

no hope in anyone understanding me completely

and I am ok with that....

being serious is too much for me.....being serious has only destroyed me. it has only destroyed the people I have gotten close to.

I came here for a reason. to run from my issues, and to save the people close to me from being hurt.

I am a disaster and I can't be fixed right now.

I am taking these experiences as a way to figure out who I am again...because I don't know

I am beyond confused with myself and I don't know where I am going

the last thing I wanted was to bring someone else into this, but you kept pushing me to open up.

so here I am.
damaged.
destroyed.
beyond help.
alone.
content with my situation.
and not wanting to hurt anyone else.'


Exact words/quotes from a conversation not too long ago this evening/late night.
I may have been rash and childish but I didn't know how else to get my feelings across...and yet they came out in a way that described me fairly well.

I saw a sign earlier today that said something like 'if you lose your dreams you will lose your mind.'
Then a friend said-'what if you forget your dreams?' my response was something along the lines of-'well forgetting is not yet losing, so your mind is still in tact for now', haha, guess it was my way of saying I hope I haven't lost my dreams yet and that I have just forgotten them for the time being.

I will find them again one day...

thoughtful.

My thoughts are consumed of the past, but strangely I feel humbled now. Or more like a numb feeling. What used to make me sad, now I feel like it was a battle I lost and there was nothing more I could do in the end no matter how hard I tried.

My happiness is now completely based on the present, with an avoidance of the past and a hopefulness for the future.

I am sleeping more than I used to, which is sadly making me more tired, and I am constantly thinking. Just thinking about life,where it's going and what I am doing. About the people around me. About my reactions to people. About their reactions to me. I'm dazing out in thought more and more frequently and I am constantly asked if I'm ok because I'm not reacting to a joke said in front of me. Of course I am fine, my mind is just so busy these days. And I can't keep these thoughts focused on just one stream-there's a constant flow of many streams and I'm not sure how to control it...

This is why I haven't written much lately-because I don't know what to write about. I want to learn and explore, but I sleep so much I usually miss my chances and waste my days, then I work at night-which is a whole other story, but I love it and it drives me crazy at the same time...the happy balance I have yet to find. Alas life still goes on and I must tread through these streams no matter what-such is life and its many difficulties.

(the part above was written last night at work when I felt inspired to jot down my thoughts, so I wrote in my server pad-the notes will be kept for future reference and laughs)

I am still more confused than ever on what I want with my life. My dependency and trust in people has dramatically declined and I can't seem to accept or ask for help from anyone. When people try to get close to me in deeper ways I seem to destroy them without realizing it and without meaning to.

I think my subconscious is just trying to keep them safe so that I don't hurt more people, so I push them away if they get too close. It's better to keep a distance. Make friends, but just so far as hanging out, having a few drinks and laughs and leaving it at that. Anything more will just lead to collateral damage, and I don't want that to happen. In this case I prefer to just hurt myself instead of anyone else.

On a lighter note-my motivation to find a proper job is increasing and I am giving myself a few more months in London to figure it out. If it doesn't work, then I will either find a resort job in the Alps or I will go to Colorado for the winter season, collect myself and my thoughts and go from there. I have come to realize more and more my dreams are to see the world in any possible way I can-so if taking photos is not the way to do it for me, then I will find a different way.

To be updated when something exciting or dramatic happens, or if I feel the need to jot down some thoughts, so until then.