adventure.

I am finally doing something!! I am going to Colorado!

Even though it is short term (one week) and even though I have to come back, I feel like it will make me feel more alive.

I am being spontaneous, which I have missed! I will leave late tonight to get there by tomorrow evening, and yesterday is when I finally decided to go...so I'd say it's pretty last minute, but sooooo exciting!

This small vacation is exactly what I need to help me get back on my feet. While I was in Colorado two winters ago, I was amazed everyday by the thought and fact that I was waking up in the mountains and I got to snowboard whenever I wanted. For me, this will be 'snow therapy,' haha.

This blog has been great for me to get my thoughts out, and getting the feedback from friends has been uplifting and helpful, but I still need something to inspire me again.I plan to take pictures of anything and everything that inspires me even a little bit! This includes the drive and snowboarding on the mountain-and yes I will be bringing my Canon 7D on the mountain with me, but don't worry it will be safe.

I have been feeling slightly inspired since a recent bonfire at a friends when I got a chance to talk to high school classmates. Talking to them and seeing where some have gone and what they've been up to lit a spark of inspiration. The more I talk to friends and meet new people the more I have felt that spark and this trip will only magnify it!

I will get a chance to hang out with friends I made two years ago and see places such as bars and hangouts I used to frequent as a resort employee and this amazing tea bar/cafe in Frisco as well as go down my favorite runs on Copper Mountain-I just can't wait to see it all again! I will also be tentatively looking for jobs, whether at a restaurant, a newspaper or some free lance photography opportunities, to help me see what is out there and get myself applying in person to add an extra impression.

All in all I am excited and life is always amazing, I just needed to feel it again. I am hopeful for the future and excited for things to come :)

One last thing-I have been looking for short term living in Minneapolis! I have a friend that might want to get a two bedroom with me otherwise I will take over a sublease, or find a month-to-month place. This way I can get a part-time job there, do a bunch of free-lance photography and look for journalism jobs. It will be good to be in a big city and to experience what Minneapolis has to offer, that is if I don't find a good job in Colorado.

motivation.

One thing that seems to elude me is my motivation. There are several factors that may contribute to this of course, such as the fact that I am living at my mom's which makes me feel like I'm in a rut.

I sit here with my documents open to work on a cover letter for job applications, yet I tend to do other things like browsing the internet and watching videos. Having them up on my desktop doesn't seem to help with my motivation at all.

A big thing to me being stuck at my mom's is that I have an apartment I need to sublease otherwise I am stuck paying for it for the next 5 months, which I cannot afford along with a second apartment. I want to move to either Minneapolis or Colorado, but I cannot do this without first getting the sublease covered, or at least finding a way out of the lease.

So here I am, stuck in a place I don't want to be, trying to work on finding a job to jumpstart my career and trying to move on.

Moving on hasn't been so hard recently. It seems I have become numb to the situation. There was a while there when I was crying every day, and suddenly it stopped last week. I think I feel happiness, in that I am trying to enjoy life and doing things I like. I feel slightly inspired to take photos and I want to get out of this area and move on to something new. I feel like Minneapolis would be exciting-to meet new people, have new places to go and have a ton of things to take photos of. That part excites me, but I have to get there first and that's the bad thing.

I may also be developing some kind of anxiety issue because I feel anxious when I think of getting a new place and I want it to happen now instead of later. I feel anxious to get a sub-leaser for my apartment so I can fully move on and not be tied to 'our' place anymore. Many things seem to make me anxious at the moment, and I think it's because of the stress of being 'stuck' that makes it worse.

I just want to get planted somewhere with a possible mission to get some freelancing photography jobs, and I want it to start as soon as possible because for some reason my head, and heart, believe this will help tremendously with moving on in life.

I don't feel like I am going anywhere by staying at my mom's or in St. Cloud, so hopefully something happens soon before I go crazy from this boredom and anxiety I am suffering, haha.

Tomorrow I will do better with the motivation-I will force myself to get things done, even if it's just a few small things, at least I will have something to show for my day.

finding firm ground.

In my last post I talked about accepting how things are, and since then it's been easier and a bit better.

I have been surrounding myself with old and new friends and doing things that I used to love to see how I feel about them, while also trying new things to broaden my spectrum on life once more.

I do have to say, going out clubbing/to the bars is definitely not the same. In a relationship, it's easy to just be with girlfriends and dance the night away while brushing off the 'sleazy' guys that come along, but that shifts when you become single once more. Then every guy becomes a 'prospect' of sorts-at least you start looking and wondering and maybe do some dancing and talking a bit. My point is-being single is a whole different world and it's difficult to navigate through it once again.

And here I am, navigating. Not looking for anything in particular, just trying to find meaning with this human life I have once again. Don't get me wrong, I have meaning in my life, but a big part of that has changed and now I have to change with it. I like change though, usually, and I'm figuring things out-like the fact that I missed rollerblading at one in the morning with music blasting in my ears on smooth roads. I forgot how much of a stress release it could be, and man did I need that with how this Christmas weekend is going. Or the fact that there are so many 'job' possibilities in front of me and I just have to take a step in some direction to start my newly graduated life-but what a hard decision it has been figuring out which way to go; east, west, north, south...there are so many places!

I don't want to have ties here in Minnesota-I mean the kind that keep me here and from my dreams of traveling. And I definitely don't want to be living at my mom's for longer than I have to (I love her to death, but it's been a little over a week and I miss my independence). But maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get a job around here, like in Minneapolis or St. Paul, and to go from there. I have friends there and I would love to experience living in a place populated by more than 20,000 people. Minneapolis seems like just as good a place as any. But I still miss Colorado....a lot....decisions, decisions.

Moving on to my main point-since I am doing more than I have in over a year, I am finally starting to find some firm ground that may be a part of my new path. It's still shaky and hazy, but I can at least start with something and go from there-like the fact that spending two days in the cities with friends just hanging out and having fun helped me feel a little more alive and a bit more happy. I am definitely finding out who cheers me up though, and I don't want to miss out on that and them.

There is also the prospect of snowboarding once or twice this week, which is a passion I miss consuming myself with very much. And the prospect of hanging out with new friends, as well as old, and just living life-which is starting to sound good again. I very much agree with living life to the fullest as much as possible, but at times it can be hard to keep that motivation. Now I am starting to feel that motivation spark within me again-to find my place in life again and wanting to grab hold of the opportunities around me.

But I'm taking it slow. I have time. I can figure it out step by step. I just need to get out of my mom's place....I feel a bit claustrophobic here and kind of like my life is stuck....which doesn't help with the motivation thing at all.....so to go to Colorado now or to stick around here.....that is the question.

Maybe I am subconsciously seeking a reason to stay in Minnesota for the time being, since being around the people that love you helps a lot. But also, maybe I am just too scared to go out on a limb again in fear of falling flat on my face...again. Yuck, it's all so complicated.

I do know for certain that I want to see the world and I want to be somewhere else eventually. But why rush when there are good things here too.

For now I will be happy with the fact that my feet are finding their place a little more each day and I will wait to ponder some more after Christmas.

next step-acceptance.

So I may have some more answers and I want to write down what I feel so I can process them.

Communication. It's a big deal with relationships of any kind, whether professional or personal. I found out that in my recent relationship the communication was not so good. I always thought it was great because we could talk about anything. Absolutely anything. He knows more about me than anyone else I know. But there was a big flaw in our communication-we weren't talking about our feelings when things were not good or were taken wrong.

Let me elaborate. My 'tones' would be taken badly, for example with his family or friends. If I had some kind of tone, he took it as I didn't want him to talk to them or hang out with them. I didn't know about these feelings he had until much later, after the damage was already done. I had no chance to defend myself, to explain what I meant or that it didn't mean anything at all, instead I was taken wrong and it was held against me for many months.....it just kept building up for him and stressed him out, which may have caused other problems.

Now this doesn't excuse all the problems we had, or the fact that I am messed up in my own special way (aren't we all), but it helps me see what a big flaw our communication really was. I can't be with someone that can't talk to me about their feelings when they are hurt. I need to know when I hurt them so I can help fix it. And vice versa, I want to be able to talk to someone and work it out if I take them wrong or if I am hurt. Assumptions are bad, so bad, but they are hard to avoid, so it's better to talk those assumptions out with the person so there are no bad feelings about the situation. It's messed up to try to be with someone that takes me wrong, that doesn't understand me....or even tries to understand me. And so I must move on.

This leads me to my possible second step toward becoming me, which is accceptance. I can now accept that the relationship is over. Even writing that down brings many tears to my eyes because it's so hard to do just that, accept the ending, but in my heart I know things cannot and will not work out no matter how much I wanted to fight for it. It's definitely hard to imagine this life we built together for the past year and a half is over....really hard....but I can see a faint path forming in front of me that's just for me.

I'm definitely not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to be open to someone entering my life that may work towards getting to know me. I met a guy last night while celebrating. A nice guy, respectful, and someone that has some things in common with me. Someone I could see myself hanging out with and talking to. I don't want anything serious right now, I am not ready, but it's good to know there are still good guys out there and maybe one day I will find someone who excites me again.....

For now, I will keep applying for jobs anywhere I can, make it through Christmas (which has been pretty dreary for me this year) and figure out where I want to go. It's starting to excite me a little again, the idea of going somewhere new and adventurous.....only fleeting moments of excitement though, but it's a step.

irritated, frustrated.

This blog may be a little angry. I have some frustrations to work out.

First off-I was the one that did not want the relationship in the first place. I was the one that kept saying no and that it wouldn't work (this was all in Colorado, where said relationship started). But he kept pushing! He pushed and pushed and pushed....he wouldn't give up....and then I fell in love with him.

I remember when some of those feelings came up. We were sitting in his room and he made some concoction with marshmallows and popcorn, which tasted surprisingly good. We were talking-about something ridiculous I am sure, like Zelda or music or poems for my online class or computer stuff-and he looked up and smiled at me...I was sitting in his bed, and he was sitting in a chair and I couldn't help but think 'I love him' and it all scared me right then. I pushed the thoughts away and continued with our conversation. I busied myself with other things over the next few days and wouldn't really succumb to my feelings. I wouldn't accept those feelings until he started to cautiously bring up the idea of him moving to Minnesota (where I am from and where I was planning to return to school after the winter season in Colorado). I started to think that maybe this would work if someone was willing to travel to a new place to be with me....I ended up giving in to the feelings and it was amazing.

Now the roles are completely reversed. I am fighting/working for something that is most likely hopeless and improbable and he is resisting, though I don't think he has the feelings he used to anymore....and I am possibly just denying the next step of moving on.

My irritation is that he should have just left well enough alone. I would have come back to Minnesota and we would have parted being good friends and went our own ways. He pulled me in even though he knew the issues we both had. He knew about my abandonment issues, he promised to stick around no matter what, and yet deep down I think I knew it was false. He told me about his 'button' that would turn off his emotions, but I said I could handle it, and I was willing to, but I can't really be there for him when he is telling me it's over. He wouldn't let me, wouldn't give me the chance to see it through. Though I don't think he believes he has any problems anymore....at least that's how he's acting.

And now he treats me like I am the irritation. I will text him to see how his day is going and ask about school and I get short answers. I am surprised he even answers me at all actually. And when it's a question he doesn't want to answer he just ignores it and leaves it hanging there. In the last post I mentioned how one of the last things he said to me was that this relationship was a bad experience for him....it's not fair! I worked hard to make him happy! I worked hard to accept his faults and to work on my own faults! Well there was more-at one point during the break-up I had a break down, a panic attack possibly, and I sat there crying and hardly able to breath asking for him to help calm me down and you know what he says? to shut up and leave him alone! yup. He told me to go call someone else because he didn't care, even though I was saying I couldn't move or breath, he said he didn't care. It cut so deep. He couldn't even look at me unless it was to yell at me to calm down and shut up, which doesn't help at all in that situation. The person he is right now is not the person I fell in love with. I never expected our relationship to be consistently great, because every relationship has it's ups and downs, but I never thought that he would just give up....he made me believe he would stick around and yes, I pushed and pushed his limits too (my stupidity with not being able to accept happiness), but he finally gave up, which I never expected.

I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to see where things would go when he got to Minnesota. Then he mentioned we should live together. He's the one that said 'I love you' at the airport when I picked him up (which is the official date we started 'dating'). He's the one that asked me to change my 'status' to 'in a relationship' before he was even in Minnesota. He's the one that kept asking me to be with him in Colorado. I fell for it. Through all that I thought he wanted this, that he wanted me. And here I sit, scorned, depressed, lost and completely alone.

He acts just fine around everyone else, but when I talk to him I get cold, short answers. He used to cry at the idea of us not being friends if we broke up, and now he doesn't care what happens to me anymore.

It's my graduation day today....he had convinced me to walk, even though I felt like it was a waste of time and money to go through the graduation motions, but he made it seem special to me and he said he would be there (before we broke up of course). He didn't even congratulate me....we even texted today and I mentioned it was my graduation day and he didn't reply to that remark, but to others instead. I asked if we could maybe go to lunch to possibly see each other one last time....he said he was busy...his plans were to play some video games with a friend, do some heavy reading and go to work in the evening. Apparently I couldn't be put in between any of those. I am not important at all to him anymore and it hurts like crazy. I can't imagine my life without him in it and he has no problem never seeing me again. He needs his space, I get it, but I didn't think he could ever treat me like an annoying little girl that won't leave him alone. I guess I feel like I deserve more-more answers, more honesty, more explanations, more emotions, just more.

I made it through the week. I graduated. I am free to do whatever I would like. And here I am, more lost than I have ever been.

Well I will focus on tonight for now, which will include going out with friends to celebrate. I may have lost my will to have fun-since I feel like the last year and a half was just a rouse and was doomed to end anyways-my friends are at least not letting me sit around sulking, so I will try my hardest to have fun...and maybe get a bit drunk, haha.

I will leave with part of a song that used to have some meaning...I don't know what it is to me anymore;

'Do you believe you're missin' out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone


I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up'


(Brand New) (giving credit where credit is due)

i'm functioning.

This blog is something very different for me. I am not usually so open and public about my feelings. I do not like to burden other people with my problems. I do not like people to know my 'weaknesses' or to know that maybe I am a little bit crazy. I just like to keep things private, probably because of the way I was raised. To stay strong and independent, fend for yourself and not to rely too much on others.

This changed. I fell in love, came to rely and depend on someone else, and then was crushed in the end. It's not new to me....just very different because this was the first time I was so deeply, madly and passionately in love. Usually after a break-up I would keep it in, cry it out for a while and move on. This time it's different. This time I need more than that. I need a new way to heal because for some reason that old routine isn't helping....it's harder this time.

Because of this openness, I have become open to ridicule, judgment, sympathy and maybe even pity. I have received many messages from long-lost friends or friends that I am not necessarily close to (though maybe that should change) all saying they understand and are here to talk if I need to. I really appreciate the support, and the fact that my blog is being read, and hopefully understood. There are amazing people in my life, and I would not be doing ok if they were not around because they have been my rocks, my stability within this madness.

But I want you to know that I am doing ok. I am making it. I am working through it. This blog is helping me release my thoughts and helping me to learn to share my emotions with others rather than bottling them up inside. I love the support, but please don't worry. I may be lost right now, but I am learning to find myself again, no matter how slow it may be. I know I will never be the same. I will never be able to go back to who I was, as much as I may wish I could at times. This is a learning experience that will help me in the future I am sure. But since this is the present, and I have to deal with this now (though at times I just wish it could go by faster). Right now I am hurting, immensely, and I am finding a way to deal with it and to eventually heal.

Another thing. It's quite bothersome when guys spring up out of nowhere once they know you are single. I can tell they just want to take advantage of my vulnerability, which is a dead end for them. I am not that type of person. I am a bit stronger than that. Not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind....to just let loose and go crazy....but I can't. It makes me sick to think of being with someone else. Even thinking of a new relationship makes my stomach queasy. I still miss him....a lot. In fact I almost sent an 'I miss you' text today, but instead I called a friend. I knew it would just lead to more hurt on my end, so why put myself through that. As much as I yearn for him in every way (conversationally, emotionally, humorously, physically) and as much as I want to hear the same, I will not get it, so I have to stay true to myself and keep myself safe. One of the last things he said to me was that the last year and a half was a terrible experience for him, which cut me deep. It hurts so much to think that he is walking away from this relationship thinking of it as a bad experience. I don't understand how that happened, maybe I am just a terrible person and bad at relationships. I guess it goes along with the emotionally damaged stuff I discussed before and I will probably never get much better. Anyways, I need time to heal, that is for sure. So no new relationships for me for quite a while.

To be honest...I don't know if I will ever be able to trust someone this much again. A wall is currently building up and I am scared to think of someone breaking it down because all I can anticipate is a world of hurt. I know it's not good, but I know it's happening and I can't stop it. I need someone that can give me the security I need to trust again and someone I know I can rely on, someone that understands my weaknesses and wants to help me improve....but I don't know how that will happen. I have no answers. I just know I will not be searching...I need to be sought out. If that makes any sense. But it does to me, so I suppose that's all that matters.

Update from the last post: I am leaning towards Colorado so far...though there is a lot of strategic planning I need to do in terms of what to take with me, where to put the things I leave behind as well as where to stay and where to look for a job. Those answers will come with time though. For now I just want to make it through this week.

Thank you for the support and the love. You are amazing and it's really needed. Please don't stop the messages-I love hearing from old and possibly new friends  :)

Also, I hope this blog helps someone that is in a dark place as well. We all need comfort in some way to get through these hard times, and I hope I can help someone with theirs. Eventually I plan to make this blog more about photography and happy times, maybe more with travel. I guess it will become whatever my life becomes and I am ok with that because it will always be fun to just write down my thoughts and know that someone out there is reading them and possibly even interested in them, haha.

first step-admittance. then what?

The first step is admitting you have a problem. I have admitted my wrongs and I see my faults (refer to previous post), but where do I go from here?

The 12 step program is for addicts, which is not relevant with this blog, but admittance is still a big part of everyday life and I feel like that first step is valid, and needed, in my current situation. But the next steps are not clear to me. I have lost a part of my life from the past year and a half, I feel lost, confused disoriented, and the plan to 'bounce back' is not yet clear to me.

I hear the people saying, 'you had your run now move on,' or 'it was unique and special, but now it's over and time for something else unique and special,' or 'just go spend time being crazy and get over it,' and all the others along the lines of moving on, but I still don't know how to do it. It seems so....unreal. Like this isn't the way it was supposed to happen, like this path was so unlikely to happen that the rest of it is rocky and curvy because it was not carefully planned for, if that makes sense (be it by a higher being, or by my own subconscious or by something else). So I have to work at putting the pieces together to shape this unplanned for path....and yet it still feels so wrong, so....strange.

I literally have the world at my fingertips in less than a week. By this I mean that I can go anywhere and do anything because I have absolutely no obligations holding me back. No school, no relationship, no commitments, no work, no horse (since she is now sold to a wonderful family), etc. I could go back to Colorado, which I have yearned to do since I left almost two years ago, I could go to Europe and travel around, I could hop in my car and drive anywhere or I could go someplace, anyplace, and find a job and stay for a while until I decided to do something else. How exciting and scary at the same time! This is what I've wanted! What I've dreamed of for so long....but yet, none of it calls to me like I imagined it would...none of it seems 'right.' I say it out loud to my friends and family- 'I am going to apply to Poland and Hungary for journalism jobs'- and at the same time my head is telling me- 'but that's not what's going to happen because you are supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else'- so what is this 'else?'

I have been saying a bunch of possibilities out loud to myself to see if any of them sound right to me, yet none have sparked in my head, or heart, yet (I want my heart to be as much involved with this decision as my head). This all makes everything much more confusing. I know why it's happening. I know I am deeply depressed in areas of my life (though I know it's not permanent). But I am still me. I still want to see and experience the world, to take pictures of kayakers going over waterfalls, to eat ethnic and exotic foods, to snowboard through the mountains, any mountains, to help people in need like children in Uganda or building homes in Haiti, to work for National Geographic or Snowboarder Magazine, to see and live in different cultures......right? Or have I been fooling myself this whole time? Have I subconsciously been wanting something else? It seems crazy because that life of traveling and experiencing the world seems like a dream come true to me, like something anybody would want, to a degree. So what is going on in my head? Why does it not sound right anymore?

In less than a week I am finally free of obligations keeping me in one place. In less than a week I have to make a decision on what to do and where to go. I could wait to make the decision, of course, but waiting would still be a decision.

I guess we will see how I feel tomorrow....or the next day...and go from there. My 'then what' will come sooner or later, I just have to be patient.

Side note-I am having peaks of happiness. Or at least the closest to happiness I can get in my current state. I start to feel light-hearted and slightly motivated to do things, to make a list (which I usually love doing because it feels so darn good to cross things off when they are finished), or to let people in a little more. But then I start remembering....how happiness really felt for me not so long ago, how motivation really felt like, how those lists weren't just for me, or how open I was to someone....and then I get sad all over again, almost like an overwhelming feeling of sadness takes over, and I can barely stand because it's weighing me down so much, because it seems like there was so much more that could've been done, so much more that was possible in that lifetime (I say lifetime because I feel like a new life started after my relationship was over-referred to in my first blog post). That future was so 'tangent' to me, in a way that I could imagine it so clearly in so many different paths and it was absolutely exciting, with only one fear-of losing him, the person I wanted to experience these things with-because it almost felt too good to be true. And now when I picture myself going off somewhere, like to a new job or to another country, I can't see it.....I can't see myself in those situations anymore....I just have to remind myself-one step at a time....if I can figure out what those steps are that is.

exposing myself.

I have faults. And whomever I end up with needs to accept me for who I am. Why waste my time if you will just say it's too hard in the end and will give up.

Here are some faults that I am aware of about myself:
~I am emotionally damaged-for some reason I believe in true love and I love romantic gestures.

~I am controlling at times-sometimes I like control over situations. I need to let go of that, but it's hard when I am so used to life being out of control, so I try to control little things. I usually try to be humble and forget it, but it happens most when I feel that a current situation is out of my control so I turn to something else to control.

~I am stubborn. Very stubborn. It's a family disease-I have been taught that I can be right...and I usually am...but I need someone that can debate me and show me if I am wrong. I can handle being wrong, but usually I get away with thinking I am right because I am not shown otherwise.

~I interrupt conversations-when I am talking to someone, I get excited about the topics at times and it causes me to interrupt people to get my word in. I strongly encourage the persons involved in the conversation to interrupt me as well, like a free for all, but usually people take it wrong and think I am a bad listener, which I try not to be...

~I am a bad listener sometimes-this is separate from the conversation interrupting, because when I am involved in the conversation I listen quite well. But if a subject is not very interesting to me, or if I have other things on my mind I tend to daze out while someone is talking. I love listening to people, and I love being there for them, but sometimes I can't control it. I am getting better by realizing I do this and controlling that part of me, but it happens sometimes.

~I am emotional-even though I am emotionally damaged, I tend to be very emotional at times. If I am passionate about something or feel like I am unheard and uncared for I get emotional. Sometimes it leads to an emotional outburst of tears and breathing problems. This outburst only happens in extreme circumstances and has happened only a few times in my life during times of great stress over a situation.

~I don't give up-and this may be seen as a positive thing, but there is a fault in it. When something is over, I cannot seem to accept it and so I fight for it even more. This leads to making a situation worse. I need to learn how to stop, take a step back and see the big picture.

There are more faults I have I am sure, but the point is that I am trying to lay them all out for anyone and everyone to see. I am not bashing myself. I love myself actually. I love the person I have become over the years and I am still excited to see what I have the possibility to become and be. But I believe it is important to recognize your faults so you can work on them. It is important to help you become a better person. In my opinion that is.

So here are some of my faults. Take them as you will. Pick at them, accept them, do whatever you want with them. But by laying them out I can view them as a whole and eventually figure out a way to make them strengths instead.

losing at life.

Throughout my life I have never been very athletic, so, as you can guess, I was usually the last to be picked for teams.  I tried volleyball in high school, but I didn't do well, so I stopped by my senior year as it stopped being fun for me.

As I grew older I realized it was my confidence that affected my playing skills. I grew to love and accept myself more after high school (which I should say I was very much a nerd then, or at least I hung out with all the nerds). I started playing sports again with friends including sand volleyball and ultimate frisbee. I was better, faster and stronger than I ever was. I could do an overhand serve, which was near impossible for me to do in high school. This was due to my increased confidence within myself. I was finally winning! And I was good at it-life that is.

As I realized what type of person I wanted to be I started setting out a plan for myself. More like a series of future goals as I decided to plan was to loose spontaneity and I love being spontaneous!

These goals were to travel the world, experience as many cultures as I can in my lifetime, take amazing pictures of amazing things as well as experience them (like kayaking over waterfalls, rock climbing over an ocean and snowboarding in untouched mountains plus more) and love tremendously.

Part of this plan meant I wanted to finish college, with a photojournalism degree. With that I needed experience, and part of that experience is to live life, which I hadn't done much in small town Minnesota. So an opportunity came up to go out to Colorado for the winter season to work at a ski and snowboard resort....ummmmm....AWESOME!

Little did I know, it would change my 'goals'....at least parts of them....forever.

I don't want to be alone in life. I don't think many people do. Yet somehow I tend to push people away. Strange right? Maybe this has to do with the fact that I have never had a stable male figure in my life and so I expect the worst to happen in relationships, which is usually what does happen. Not without my help I am sure.

Back to Colorado...I met someone. An amazing someone. Long story short, we came back to Minnesota to finish school.

He changed me. Inspired me. Molded me more into the person I want to become. From what I could see, I was doing the same for him. He helped me open my eyes to the world further than I was, helped me view things in this world in a new and better way, a way that I want to be like. We were happy. I was deeply and tremendously in love.

But like all my other relationships, it was bound to end. My constant abandonment has led to some personal problems of my own, including paranoia and separation anxiety. I have gotten better, much much better and I felt like I would be 'cured' of this, because I knew he was the one for me. But I still pushed him away. I tried to tell him I didn't mean it. Tried to make up for it. And it would get better for a while, but for some reason I still had doubts on whether he would stay.

Eventually it became too much. I tore away at him, tested him and stretched him beyond his limits. I lost him. I was losing again.

How did this affect my life goals? Well this relationship lasted a year and a half out of which I began to plan, to intertwine my goals with his. It wasn't difficult because he had the same general goals-to see and experience the world. We planned together-to try and end up in the same places together, to experience life together. And it was all so exciting to me, I finally had someone to share this with, to spend my life with. There was talk of Americorps and Peace corps, as well as joining other non-profits.

But now....I am lost. I don't have someone to share these experiences with. Now I am alone, and it scares me more than I think I am aware of.

I am not a dependent person. If you ask many of my friends, they would say how independent and strong of a person I usually am. But when you are with someone and plan to be with them for a long time, you start to depend and rely on them, giving up some of your own independence. This is expected in a relationship, so that you can share more with each other and be closer. At least that is what I would like from a relationship. Someone that will put my happiness on the same level as theirs. Someone to share my life with. Someone I will not push away.

Since I lost some of my independence it is very hard for me to figure out where to go from here. I pictured my future with him and now all my pictures are fuzzy. It's scary to think of getting a job in a new place and to experience it alone. Exciting at the same time though, but I wasn't planning on doing it alone this time.

Now my future is hazy to me. I am less inspired to take pictures. Less inspired to search for a job. Less inspired to be happy....

So now what? That is what I am trying to figure out.

This is my outlet. My very public outlet. I hope it will help me let go and embrace life once again. I hope it will help put me back onto the winning side.