next step-acceptance.

So I may have some more answers and I want to write down what I feel so I can process them.

Communication. It's a big deal with relationships of any kind, whether professional or personal. I found out that in my recent relationship the communication was not so good. I always thought it was great because we could talk about anything. Absolutely anything. He knows more about me than anyone else I know. But there was a big flaw in our communication-we weren't talking about our feelings when things were not good or were taken wrong.

Let me elaborate. My 'tones' would be taken badly, for example with his family or friends. If I had some kind of tone, he took it as I didn't want him to talk to them or hang out with them. I didn't know about these feelings he had until much later, after the damage was already done. I had no chance to defend myself, to explain what I meant or that it didn't mean anything at all, instead I was taken wrong and it was held against me for many months.....it just kept building up for him and stressed him out, which may have caused other problems.

Now this doesn't excuse all the problems we had, or the fact that I am messed up in my own special way (aren't we all), but it helps me see what a big flaw our communication really was. I can't be with someone that can't talk to me about their feelings when they are hurt. I need to know when I hurt them so I can help fix it. And vice versa, I want to be able to talk to someone and work it out if I take them wrong or if I am hurt. Assumptions are bad, so bad, but they are hard to avoid, so it's better to talk those assumptions out with the person so there are no bad feelings about the situation. It's messed up to try to be with someone that takes me wrong, that doesn't understand me....or even tries to understand me. And so I must move on.

This leads me to my possible second step toward becoming me, which is accceptance. I can now accept that the relationship is over. Even writing that down brings many tears to my eyes because it's so hard to do just that, accept the ending, but in my heart I know things cannot and will not work out no matter how much I wanted to fight for it. It's definitely hard to imagine this life we built together for the past year and a half is over....really hard....but I can see a faint path forming in front of me that's just for me.

I'm definitely not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to be open to someone entering my life that may work towards getting to know me. I met a guy last night while celebrating. A nice guy, respectful, and someone that has some things in common with me. Someone I could see myself hanging out with and talking to. I don't want anything serious right now, I am not ready, but it's good to know there are still good guys out there and maybe one day I will find someone who excites me again.....

For now, I will keep applying for jobs anywhere I can, make it through Christmas (which has been pretty dreary for me this year) and figure out where I want to go. It's starting to excite me a little again, the idea of going somewhere new and adventurous.....only fleeting moments of excitement though, but it's a step.