finding firm ground.

In my last post I talked about accepting how things are, and since then it's been easier and a bit better.

I have been surrounding myself with old and new friends and doing things that I used to love to see how I feel about them, while also trying new things to broaden my spectrum on life once more.

I do have to say, going out clubbing/to the bars is definitely not the same. In a relationship, it's easy to just be with girlfriends and dance the night away while brushing off the 'sleazy' guys that come along, but that shifts when you become single once more. Then every guy becomes a 'prospect' of sorts-at least you start looking and wondering and maybe do some dancing and talking a bit. My point is-being single is a whole different world and it's difficult to navigate through it once again.

And here I am, navigating. Not looking for anything in particular, just trying to find meaning with this human life I have once again. Don't get me wrong, I have meaning in my life, but a big part of that has changed and now I have to change with it. I like change though, usually, and I'm figuring things out-like the fact that I missed rollerblading at one in the morning with music blasting in my ears on smooth roads. I forgot how much of a stress release it could be, and man did I need that with how this Christmas weekend is going. Or the fact that there are so many 'job' possibilities in front of me and I just have to take a step in some direction to start my newly graduated life-but what a hard decision it has been figuring out which way to go; east, west, north, south...there are so many places!

I don't want to have ties here in Minnesota-I mean the kind that keep me here and from my dreams of traveling. And I definitely don't want to be living at my mom's for longer than I have to (I love her to death, but it's been a little over a week and I miss my independence). But maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get a job around here, like in Minneapolis or St. Paul, and to go from there. I have friends there and I would love to experience living in a place populated by more than 20,000 people. Minneapolis seems like just as good a place as any. But I still miss Colorado....a lot....decisions, decisions.

Moving on to my main point-since I am doing more than I have in over a year, I am finally starting to find some firm ground that may be a part of my new path. It's still shaky and hazy, but I can at least start with something and go from there-like the fact that spending two days in the cities with friends just hanging out and having fun helped me feel a little more alive and a bit more happy. I am definitely finding out who cheers me up though, and I don't want to miss out on that and them.

There is also the prospect of snowboarding once or twice this week, which is a passion I miss consuming myself with very much. And the prospect of hanging out with new friends, as well as old, and just living life-which is starting to sound good again. I very much agree with living life to the fullest as much as possible, but at times it can be hard to keep that motivation. Now I am starting to feel that motivation spark within me again-to find my place in life again and wanting to grab hold of the opportunities around me.

But I'm taking it slow. I have time. I can figure it out step by step. I just need to get out of my mom's place....I feel a bit claustrophobic here and kind of like my life is stuck....which doesn't help with the motivation thing at all.....so to go to Colorado now or to stick around here.....that is the question.

Maybe I am subconsciously seeking a reason to stay in Minnesota for the time being, since being around the people that love you helps a lot. But also, maybe I am just too scared to go out on a limb again in fear of falling flat on my face...again. Yuck, it's all so complicated.

I do know for certain that I want to see the world and I want to be somewhere else eventually. But why rush when there are good things here too.

For now I will be happy with the fact that my feet are finding their place a little more each day and I will wait to ponder some more after Christmas.