Throughout my life I have never been very athletic, so, as you can guess, I was usually the last to be picked for teams. I tried volleyball in high school, but I didn't do well, so I stopped by my senior year as it stopped being fun for me.
As I grew older I realized it was my confidence that affected my playing skills. I grew to love and accept myself more after high school (which I should say I was very much a nerd then, or at least I hung out with all the nerds). I started playing sports again with friends including sand volleyball and ultimate frisbee. I was better, faster and stronger than I ever was. I could do an overhand serve, which was near impossible for me to do in high school. This was due to my increased confidence within myself. I was finally winning! And I was good at it-life that is.
As I realized what type of person I wanted to be I started setting out a plan for myself. More like a series of future goals as I decided to plan was to loose spontaneity and I love being spontaneous!
These goals were to travel the world, experience as many cultures as I can in my lifetime, take amazing pictures of amazing things as well as experience them (like kayaking over waterfalls, rock climbing over an ocean and snowboarding in untouched mountains plus more) and love tremendously.
Part of this plan meant I wanted to finish college, with a photojournalism degree. With that I needed experience, and part of that experience is to live life, which I hadn't done much in small town Minnesota. So an opportunity came up to go out to Colorado for the winter season to work at a ski and snowboard resort....ummmmm....AWESOME!
Little did I know, it would change my 'goals'....at least parts of them....forever.
I don't want to be alone in life. I don't think many people do. Yet somehow I tend to push people away. Strange right? Maybe this has to do with the fact that I have never had a stable male figure in my life and so I expect the worst to happen in relationships, which is usually what does happen. Not without my help I am sure.
Back to Colorado...I met someone. An amazing someone. Long story short, we came back to Minnesota to finish school.
He changed me. Inspired me. Molded me more into the person I want to become. From what I could see, I was doing the same for him. He helped me open my eyes to the world further than I was, helped me view things in this world in a new and better way, a way that I want to be like. We were happy. I was deeply and tremendously in love.
But like all my other relationships, it was bound to end. My constant abandonment has led to some personal problems of my own, including paranoia and separation anxiety. I have gotten better, much much better and I felt like I would be 'cured' of this, because I knew he was the one for me. But I still pushed him away. I tried to tell him I didn't mean it. Tried to make up for it. And it would get better for a while, but for some reason I still had doubts on whether he would stay.
Eventually it became too much. I tore away at him, tested him and stretched him beyond his limits. I lost him. I was losing again.
How did this affect my life goals? Well this relationship lasted a year and a half out of which I began to plan, to intertwine my goals with his. It wasn't difficult because he had the same general goals-to see and experience the world. We planned together-to try and end up in the same places together, to experience life together. And it was all so exciting to me, I finally had someone to share this with, to spend my life with. There was talk of Americorps and Peace corps, as well as joining other non-profits.
But now....I am lost. I don't have someone to share these experiences with. Now I am alone, and it scares me more than I think I am aware of.
I am not a dependent person. If you ask many of my friends, they would say how independent and strong of a person I usually am. But when you are with someone and plan to be with them for a long time, you start to depend and rely on them, giving up some of your own independence. This is expected in a relationship, so that you can share more with each other and be closer. At least that is what I would like from a relationship. Someone that will put my happiness on the same level as theirs. Someone to share my life with. Someone I will not push away.
Since I lost some of my independence it is very hard for me to figure out where to go from here. I pictured my future with him and now all my pictures are fuzzy. It's scary to think of getting a job in a new place and to experience it alone. Exciting at the same time though, but I wasn't planning on doing it alone this time.
Now my future is hazy to me. I am less inspired to take pictures. Less inspired to search for a job. Less inspired to be happy....
So now what? That is what I am trying to figure out.
This is my outlet. My very public outlet. I hope it will help me let go and embrace life once again. I hope it will help put me back onto the winning side.
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