motivation.

One thing that seems to elude me is my motivation. There are several factors that may contribute to this of course, such as the fact that I am living at my mom's which makes me feel like I'm in a rut.

I sit here with my documents open to work on a cover letter for job applications, yet I tend to do other things like browsing the internet and watching videos. Having them up on my desktop doesn't seem to help with my motivation at all.

A big thing to me being stuck at my mom's is that I have an apartment I need to sublease otherwise I am stuck paying for it for the next 5 months, which I cannot afford along with a second apartment. I want to move to either Minneapolis or Colorado, but I cannot do this without first getting the sublease covered, or at least finding a way out of the lease.

So here I am, stuck in a place I don't want to be, trying to work on finding a job to jumpstart my career and trying to move on.

Moving on hasn't been so hard recently. It seems I have become numb to the situation. There was a while there when I was crying every day, and suddenly it stopped last week. I think I feel happiness, in that I am trying to enjoy life and doing things I like. I feel slightly inspired to take photos and I want to get out of this area and move on to something new. I feel like Minneapolis would be exciting-to meet new people, have new places to go and have a ton of things to take photos of. That part excites me, but I have to get there first and that's the bad thing.

I may also be developing some kind of anxiety issue because I feel anxious when I think of getting a new place and I want it to happen now instead of later. I feel anxious to get a sub-leaser for my apartment so I can fully move on and not be tied to 'our' place anymore. Many things seem to make me anxious at the moment, and I think it's because of the stress of being 'stuck' that makes it worse.

I just want to get planted somewhere with a possible mission to get some freelancing photography jobs, and I want it to start as soon as possible because for some reason my head, and heart, believe this will help tremendously with moving on in life.

I don't feel like I am going anywhere by staying at my mom's or in St. Cloud, so hopefully something happens soon before I go crazy from this boredom and anxiety I am suffering, haha.

Tomorrow I will do better with the motivation-I will force myself to get things done, even if it's just a few small things, at least I will have something to show for my day.