The first step is admitting you have a problem. I have admitted my wrongs and I see my faults (refer to previous post), but where do I go from here?
The 12 step program is for addicts, which is not relevant with this blog, but admittance is still a big part of everyday life and I feel like that first step is valid, and needed, in my current situation. But the next steps are not clear to me. I have lost a part of my life from the past year and a half, I feel lost, confused disoriented, and the plan to 'bounce back' is not yet clear to me.
I hear the people saying, 'you had your run now move on,' or 'it was unique and special, but now it's over and time for something else unique and special,' or 'just go spend time being crazy and get over it,' and all the others along the lines of moving on, but I still don't know how to do it. It seems so....unreal. Like this isn't the way it was supposed to happen, like this path was so unlikely to happen that the rest of it is rocky and curvy because it was not carefully planned for, if that makes sense (be it by a higher being, or by my own subconscious or by something else). So I have to work at putting the pieces together to shape this unplanned for path....and yet it still feels so wrong, so....strange.
I literally have the world at my fingertips in less than a week. By this I mean that I can go anywhere and do anything because I have absolutely no obligations holding me back. No school, no relationship, no commitments, no work, no horse (since she is now sold to a wonderful family), etc. I could go back to Colorado, which I have yearned to do since I left almost two years ago, I could go to Europe and travel around, I could hop in my car and drive anywhere or I could go someplace, anyplace, and find a job and stay for a while until I decided to do something else. How exciting and scary at the same time! This is what I've wanted! What I've dreamed of for so long....but yet, none of it calls to me like I imagined it would...none of it seems 'right.' I say it out loud to my friends and family- 'I am going to apply to Poland and Hungary for journalism jobs'- and at the same time my head is telling me- 'but that's not what's going to happen because you are supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else'- so what is this 'else?'
I have been saying a bunch of possibilities out loud to myself to see if any of them sound right to me, yet none have sparked in my head, or heart, yet (I want my heart to be as much involved with this decision as my head). This all makes everything much more confusing. I know why it's happening. I know I am deeply depressed in areas of my life (though I know it's not permanent). But I am still me. I still want to see and experience the world, to take pictures of kayakers going over waterfalls, to eat ethnic and exotic foods, to snowboard through the mountains, any mountains, to help people in need like children in Uganda or building homes in Haiti, to work for National Geographic or Snowboarder Magazine, to see and live in different cultures......right? Or have I been fooling myself this whole time? Have I subconsciously been wanting something else? It seems crazy because that life of traveling and experiencing the world seems like a dream come true to me, like something anybody would want, to a degree. So what is going on in my head? Why does it not sound right anymore?
In less than a week I am finally free of obligations keeping me in one place. In less than a week I have to make a decision on what to do and where to go. I could wait to make the decision, of course, but waiting would still be a decision.
I guess we will see how I feel tomorrow....or the next day...and go from there. My 'then what' will come sooner or later, I just have to be patient.
Side note-I am having peaks of happiness. Or at least the closest to happiness I can get in my current state. I start to feel light-hearted and slightly motivated to do things, to make a list (which I usually love doing because it feels so darn good to cross things off when they are finished), or to let people in a little more. But then I start remembering....how happiness really felt for me not so long ago, how motivation really felt like, how those lists weren't just for me, or how open I was to someone....and then I get sad all over again, almost like an overwhelming feeling of sadness takes over, and I can barely stand because it's weighing me down so much, because it seems like there was so much more that could've been done, so much more that was possible in that lifetime (I say lifetime because I feel like a new life started after my relationship was over-referred to in my first blog post). That future was so 'tangent' to me, in a way that I could imagine it so clearly in so many different paths and it was absolutely exciting, with only one fear-of losing him, the person I wanted to experience these things with-because it almost felt too good to be true. And now when I picture myself going off somewhere, like to a new job or to another country, I can't see it.....I can't see myself in those situations anymore....I just have to remind myself-one step at a time....if I can figure out what those steps are that is.
No comments:
Post a Comment