i'm functioning.

This blog is something very different for me. I am not usually so open and public about my feelings. I do not like to burden other people with my problems. I do not like people to know my 'weaknesses' or to know that maybe I am a little bit crazy. I just like to keep things private, probably because of the way I was raised. To stay strong and independent, fend for yourself and not to rely too much on others.

This changed. I fell in love, came to rely and depend on someone else, and then was crushed in the end. It's not new to me....just very different because this was the first time I was so deeply, madly and passionately in love. Usually after a break-up I would keep it in, cry it out for a while and move on. This time it's different. This time I need more than that. I need a new way to heal because for some reason that old routine isn't helping....it's harder this time.

Because of this openness, I have become open to ridicule, judgment, sympathy and maybe even pity. I have received many messages from long-lost friends or friends that I am not necessarily close to (though maybe that should change) all saying they understand and are here to talk if I need to. I really appreciate the support, and the fact that my blog is being read, and hopefully understood. There are amazing people in my life, and I would not be doing ok if they were not around because they have been my rocks, my stability within this madness.

But I want you to know that I am doing ok. I am making it. I am working through it. This blog is helping me release my thoughts and helping me to learn to share my emotions with others rather than bottling them up inside. I love the support, but please don't worry. I may be lost right now, but I am learning to find myself again, no matter how slow it may be. I know I will never be the same. I will never be able to go back to who I was, as much as I may wish I could at times. This is a learning experience that will help me in the future I am sure. But since this is the present, and I have to deal with this now (though at times I just wish it could go by faster). Right now I am hurting, immensely, and I am finding a way to deal with it and to eventually heal.

Another thing. It's quite bothersome when guys spring up out of nowhere once they know you are single. I can tell they just want to take advantage of my vulnerability, which is a dead end for them. I am not that type of person. I am a bit stronger than that. Not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind....to just let loose and go crazy....but I can't. It makes me sick to think of being with someone else. Even thinking of a new relationship makes my stomach queasy. I still miss him....a lot. In fact I almost sent an 'I miss you' text today, but instead I called a friend. I knew it would just lead to more hurt on my end, so why put myself through that. As much as I yearn for him in every way (conversationally, emotionally, humorously, physically) and as much as I want to hear the same, I will not get it, so I have to stay true to myself and keep myself safe. One of the last things he said to me was that the last year and a half was a terrible experience for him, which cut me deep. It hurts so much to think that he is walking away from this relationship thinking of it as a bad experience. I don't understand how that happened, maybe I am just a terrible person and bad at relationships. I guess it goes along with the emotionally damaged stuff I discussed before and I will probably never get much better. Anyways, I need time to heal, that is for sure. So no new relationships for me for quite a while.

To be honest...I don't know if I will ever be able to trust someone this much again. A wall is currently building up and I am scared to think of someone breaking it down because all I can anticipate is a world of hurt. I know it's not good, but I know it's happening and I can't stop it. I need someone that can give me the security I need to trust again and someone I know I can rely on, someone that understands my weaknesses and wants to help me improve....but I don't know how that will happen. I have no answers. I just know I will not be searching...I need to be sought out. If that makes any sense. But it does to me, so I suppose that's all that matters.

Update from the last post: I am leaning towards Colorado so far...though there is a lot of strategic planning I need to do in terms of what to take with me, where to put the things I leave behind as well as where to stay and where to look for a job. Those answers will come with time though. For now I just want to make it through this week.

Thank you for the support and the love. You are amazing and it's really needed. Please don't stop the messages-I love hearing from old and possibly new friends  :)

Also, I hope this blog helps someone that is in a dark place as well. We all need comfort in some way to get through these hard times, and I hope I can help someone with theirs. Eventually I plan to make this blog more about photography and happy times, maybe more with travel. I guess it will become whatever my life becomes and I am ok with that because it will always be fun to just write down my thoughts and know that someone out there is reading them and possibly even interested in them, haha.