irritated, frustrated.

This blog may be a little angry. I have some frustrations to work out.

First off-I was the one that did not want the relationship in the first place. I was the one that kept saying no and that it wouldn't work (this was all in Colorado, where said relationship started). But he kept pushing! He pushed and pushed and pushed....he wouldn't give up....and then I fell in love with him.

I remember when some of those feelings came up. We were sitting in his room and he made some concoction with marshmallows and popcorn, which tasted surprisingly good. We were talking-about something ridiculous I am sure, like Zelda or music or poems for my online class or computer stuff-and he looked up and smiled at me...I was sitting in his bed, and he was sitting in a chair and I couldn't help but think 'I love him' and it all scared me right then. I pushed the thoughts away and continued with our conversation. I busied myself with other things over the next few days and wouldn't really succumb to my feelings. I wouldn't accept those feelings until he started to cautiously bring up the idea of him moving to Minnesota (where I am from and where I was planning to return to school after the winter season in Colorado). I started to think that maybe this would work if someone was willing to travel to a new place to be with me....I ended up giving in to the feelings and it was amazing.

Now the roles are completely reversed. I am fighting/working for something that is most likely hopeless and improbable and he is resisting, though I don't think he has the feelings he used to anymore....and I am possibly just denying the next step of moving on.

My irritation is that he should have just left well enough alone. I would have come back to Minnesota and we would have parted being good friends and went our own ways. He pulled me in even though he knew the issues we both had. He knew about my abandonment issues, he promised to stick around no matter what, and yet deep down I think I knew it was false. He told me about his 'button' that would turn off his emotions, but I said I could handle it, and I was willing to, but I can't really be there for him when he is telling me it's over. He wouldn't let me, wouldn't give me the chance to see it through. Though I don't think he believes he has any problems anymore....at least that's how he's acting.

And now he treats me like I am the irritation. I will text him to see how his day is going and ask about school and I get short answers. I am surprised he even answers me at all actually. And when it's a question he doesn't want to answer he just ignores it and leaves it hanging there. In the last post I mentioned how one of the last things he said to me was that this relationship was a bad experience for him....it's not fair! I worked hard to make him happy! I worked hard to accept his faults and to work on my own faults! Well there was more-at one point during the break-up I had a break down, a panic attack possibly, and I sat there crying and hardly able to breath asking for him to help calm me down and you know what he says? to shut up and leave him alone! yup. He told me to go call someone else because he didn't care, even though I was saying I couldn't move or breath, he said he didn't care. It cut so deep. He couldn't even look at me unless it was to yell at me to calm down and shut up, which doesn't help at all in that situation. The person he is right now is not the person I fell in love with. I never expected our relationship to be consistently great, because every relationship has it's ups and downs, but I never thought that he would just give up....he made me believe he would stick around and yes, I pushed and pushed his limits too (my stupidity with not being able to accept happiness), but he finally gave up, which I never expected.

I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to see where things would go when he got to Minnesota. Then he mentioned we should live together. He's the one that said 'I love you' at the airport when I picked him up (which is the official date we started 'dating'). He's the one that asked me to change my 'status' to 'in a relationship' before he was even in Minnesota. He's the one that kept asking me to be with him in Colorado. I fell for it. Through all that I thought he wanted this, that he wanted me. And here I sit, scorned, depressed, lost and completely alone.

He acts just fine around everyone else, but when I talk to him I get cold, short answers. He used to cry at the idea of us not being friends if we broke up, and now he doesn't care what happens to me anymore.

It's my graduation day today....he had convinced me to walk, even though I felt like it was a waste of time and money to go through the graduation motions, but he made it seem special to me and he said he would be there (before we broke up of course). He didn't even congratulate me....we even texted today and I mentioned it was my graduation day and he didn't reply to that remark, but to others instead. I asked if we could maybe go to lunch to possibly see each other one last time....he said he was busy...his plans were to play some video games with a friend, do some heavy reading and go to work in the evening. Apparently I couldn't be put in between any of those. I am not important at all to him anymore and it hurts like crazy. I can't imagine my life without him in it and he has no problem never seeing me again. He needs his space, I get it, but I didn't think he could ever treat me like an annoying little girl that won't leave him alone. I guess I feel like I deserve more-more answers, more honesty, more explanations, more emotions, just more.

I made it through the week. I graduated. I am free to do whatever I would like. And here I am, more lost than I have ever been.

Well I will focus on tonight for now, which will include going out with friends to celebrate. I may have lost my will to have fun-since I feel like the last year and a half was just a rouse and was doomed to end anyways-my friends are at least not letting me sit around sulking, so I will try my hardest to have fun...and maybe get a bit drunk, haha.

I will leave with part of a song that used to have some meaning...I don't know what it is to me anymore;

'Do you believe you're missin' out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone


I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up'


(Brand New) (giving credit where credit is due)