forward.

I. Am. Lost.

Maybe moving forward involves going backwards.....

The last few days of being back in London (from a short trip to Minnesota to see friends and family over my birthday weekend) have made me realize that maybe I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.

How to make sense of this eludes me at the moment though. I mean, if I am here in London, why then is it not working out for me? What am I doing wrong?

I feel like I am being given signs to go back to Colorado-to start over back there, where I can take photos of boarders and skiers, of which I love doing! And from there to rebuild what I want to do, or at least figure something else out in an environment that gives me great inspiration.

Traveling excited me....and it still does! So much! But what I imagine seems to be different than the reality....of course it could be my current state of mind effecting the way I see things right now. I mean I am in Sicily, Italy, a place I never imagined I would be at this time in my life, but the excitement wears down to...shoot, I don't know; loneliness, sadness, frustration, etc.

So now to reflect and reevaluate to figure out what my next path will be. This path seems to have dead ends so far in many different ways; superficial friends, unkept promises, untold truths, hidden meanings, misunderstandings and misfortunes.

To fix the damage that has been done I need to restart...somewhere, whether here in London or back in Colorado, but I have to find a way soon before I go crazy, because right now my mind is swimming so darn much and I can't find a shore, or relief of any kind, to catch a breath.

Any ideas and input would be much appreciated. I already know my family would love to see me in Colorado, haha, as they feel it's at least a little bit closer to them. Aside from that, I still have reservations on if it's the right time to leave London-I mean I gave up so much to come here (including the love of my life-Captain) and I am not sure I can give it up just yet, but at the same time this city, and the current job, is draining me. If only I could find the stable photography or journalism job I started out to find, but yet is that what I really want as well?

After I get back from this beautiful holiday in Sicily, I am determined to find out and to try just a little harder to see what I can find in London journalism-wise, otherwise I may have to face that it's just time for me to take a step back and work towards traveling this way again....I will not give up my travels, but I don't think this is the way I wanted it to be to begin with, so maybe I need to see the world through another path.

left.

What is left of me is....well me I suppose, but a different me than I thought I would be.

I realized that all of my blogs don't focus on the real root of my problems. On the place that they stemmed from.

But why dwell on the problems in the past. Maybe it still affects me, but the thing is not many see it. Not many people have the patience to see me through, to see the faults I have and the reasons why I have acted the way I do......sometimes I want to yell out 'just ask me!!!' but then I know I would have a hard time telling it anyways.

My dilemma-saying it out loud in the public eye and possibly getting told how ridiculous I am. I know there are others in worse situations than me, so what makes me special, right?

One of the only reasons I keep writing in this is because I know I have some great friends that understand, or want to anyways, and because I hope I can reach out to somebody else somehow-otherwise I feel like a whinny kid without these reasons.....

Maybe one day my dad will read this, maybe one day he will see how much I had needed him at one point in my life and maybe one day he will, I don't know, reach out maybe? But is that what I even want?

I have been happy with my life as it is. My mom and my sister have been more than what I needed.....yet maybe a void has been left open. This has possibly affected the relationships I have had in my life....I definitely know it has affected how much I trust people.

Abandonment Issues. I have mentioned this in earlier posts and I know it exists within me.

I have such great family and friends though-ones willing to give me advice on where to at least start with the path I am heading towards, or to put in a good word for me. And yet I still feel I have to pave my path on my own....why is that? Why can I not accept or ask for help when it is in front of me?

London is for me.....this move, this different place, this time in my life is what I need to reassess what I have been pursuing throughout my life, and yet I have still not figured anything out. Maybe there is a flaw, something missing or maybe I am just in such a negative place in my life that I can't focus on moving forward.

There is possibly, well...possibilities that have become present that could lead me to somewhere else in my life.....but how can I give into these, how can I make these decisions when it hasn't worked out for me in the past.

I ask for help more than you can see-just I get denied so often that you don't see that part and you just see someone that can't ask for help....how am I supposed to ask for help when I am constantly denied this?

So I am left-in this bubble of self-reliance and possibly some self-pity with how I came to this point. But I am learning and I am growing, so who can fault me for that?

My greatest passion is to see the world-no matter how I achieve this. If I am meant to do it alone, then so be it. At least I know I have my family and friends to show up every once in a while for a visit, which all are definitely welcome  ;)

So what is left of me is a passion, which leads to a dream and hopefully to some self-fulfillment  :)  We will see how these stones of life turn!

reliance.

I can only rely on myself and trust in myself. Anything else just sets me up for disaster and disappointment and haven't I had enough of that in my life so far?? (I know I am still young, but hell I still feel like I have been through a shitload of shit, haha)

For once I am trying to live my life for myself, but people still have a way of digging in a little bit. Which should be fine except for the fact I can't trust anyone beyond a certain point and that trust takes so long to build and only a fraction of a second to destroy...

So once again, thanks to life and reality for once again showing me that my current walls are there to protect me.

Honestly, my mother should be so damn proud because I am truly amazed that I have not resorted to smoking, drugs, self-harm or other such things to drown my sorrows in. Instead I work, read and I watch TV shows to distract my mind in any possible way I can so that I don't go crazy with all the thoughts swimming through the (possible) depths of my 'Tara' brain.

Maybe my version of these addictions are not letting people get too close to me (refer to last blog post) and it's my own way of harming myself. Yet it protects me at the same time so that I don't get hurt in my current fragile state.

All I know is I'm realizing these walls are just getting thicker and it's going to take a pretty strong and patient person to knock them down.

Until that happens I will enjoy the life I have, the places I am seeing and the people I am meeting and I will do whatever I can to take any adventure that comes my way.

poetic.

It's called having a weak day....

Traveling includes the times you feel the lowest of the low, and missing the people you care about that are the furthest away from you.

Part of my being wants to have a companion so much, but I also realize there are not many people that want the same lifestyle as me and even less that will travel the world with me at the drop of a hat.

With this knowledge comes the occasional weak days of possible self-pity. The days when I will realize how alone I am and how much work I have put into doing this on my own.

Today is one of those weak days. And in a conversation through messaging I came across some good, maybe poetic, phrases that fit well with where I am emotionally and physically in this world at this time:

'you don't understand me, and I know that's partially my fault. I hope you can understand that I tried to be honest with you through it all...

you deserve someone that wants more and can open up to you in the ways you deserve. and someone that won't just talk about these things through lame old fb. I may be doomed to be alone for a long time (even maybe forever), but you are not in the same boat as me and you will find some greatness yet to come.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess of myself....I tried to warn you....but I still, I don't know, maybe hoped you would be smart enough to turn me down. so here I am hurting the both of us. and I put myself in this god awful position.

I have a lot of damage to work through. I'm not sure anyone on this earth can help me through it, so I must keep my distance so as not to hurt anyone...

I am realizing that I need to accept the company of myself these days as I am the only one I can depend on for a while. nothing against you....I just need this.

you don't understand. ....maybe this will help:

I have absolutely no hope

no hope in anyone being able to deal with me long term

no hope in anyone able to stick around

this includes my friends and my family

no hope in anyone understanding me completely

and I am ok with that....

being serious is too much for me.....being serious has only destroyed me. it has only destroyed the people I have gotten close to.

I came here for a reason. to run from my issues, and to save the people close to me from being hurt.

I am a disaster and I can't be fixed right now.

I am taking these experiences as a way to figure out who I am again...because I don't know

I am beyond confused with myself and I don't know where I am going

the last thing I wanted was to bring someone else into this, but you kept pushing me to open up.

so here I am.
damaged.
destroyed.
beyond help.
alone.
content with my situation.
and not wanting to hurt anyone else.'


Exact words/quotes from a conversation not too long ago this evening/late night.
I may have been rash and childish but I didn't know how else to get my feelings across...and yet they came out in a way that described me fairly well.

I saw a sign earlier today that said something like 'if you lose your dreams you will lose your mind.'
Then a friend said-'what if you forget your dreams?' my response was something along the lines of-'well forgetting is not yet losing, so your mind is still in tact for now', haha, guess it was my way of saying I hope I haven't lost my dreams yet and that I have just forgotten them for the time being.

I will find them again one day...

thoughtful.

My thoughts are consumed of the past, but strangely I feel humbled now. Or more like a numb feeling. What used to make me sad, now I feel like it was a battle I lost and there was nothing more I could do in the end no matter how hard I tried.

My happiness is now completely based on the present, with an avoidance of the past and a hopefulness for the future.

I am sleeping more than I used to, which is sadly making me more tired, and I am constantly thinking. Just thinking about life,where it's going and what I am doing. About the people around me. About my reactions to people. About their reactions to me. I'm dazing out in thought more and more frequently and I am constantly asked if I'm ok because I'm not reacting to a joke said in front of me. Of course I am fine, my mind is just so busy these days. And I can't keep these thoughts focused on just one stream-there's a constant flow of many streams and I'm not sure how to control it...

This is why I haven't written much lately-because I don't know what to write about. I want to learn and explore, but I sleep so much I usually miss my chances and waste my days, then I work at night-which is a whole other story, but I love it and it drives me crazy at the same time...the happy balance I have yet to find. Alas life still goes on and I must tread through these streams no matter what-such is life and its many difficulties.

(the part above was written last night at work when I felt inspired to jot down my thoughts, so I wrote in my server pad-the notes will be kept for future reference and laughs)

I am still more confused than ever on what I want with my life. My dependency and trust in people has dramatically declined and I can't seem to accept or ask for help from anyone. When people try to get close to me in deeper ways I seem to destroy them without realizing it and without meaning to.

I think my subconscious is just trying to keep them safe so that I don't hurt more people, so I push them away if they get too close. It's better to keep a distance. Make friends, but just so far as hanging out, having a few drinks and laughs and leaving it at that. Anything more will just lead to collateral damage, and I don't want that to happen. In this case I prefer to just hurt myself instead of anyone else.

On a lighter note-my motivation to find a proper job is increasing and I am giving myself a few more months in London to figure it out. If it doesn't work, then I will either find a resort job in the Alps or I will go to Colorado for the winter season, collect myself and my thoughts and go from there. I have come to realize more and more my dreams are to see the world in any possible way I can-so if taking photos is not the way to do it for me, then I will find a different way.

To be updated when something exciting or dramatic happens, or if I feel the need to jot down some thoughts, so until then.

trust.

Trust is a very, very tricky thing....why is it so hard for me to give in?

I have been let down plenty of times through multiple situations and relationships throughout my short life, so it makes sense when it becomes hard for me to open myself up to another human being.

Even opening up on my own, to myself, can be difficult (if that makes any sense).

But when someone kind comes along, someone that seems interested in who I am as a person, it is so hard for me to think they want to know, to listen and to be involved.

In my last blog I talked about wanting to become happy once again, but I think now I have become better at hiding the sadness or darkness or whatever you want to call it. I feel happier in many, many ways and my eyes are opening up to more of the beauty in this world once again, but I still have my moments....

Moments where I miss my old path, my old goals and my old motivation and inspiration. They have disappeared and finding them again puts a slight damper on my newfound happiness.

Yet I will trek on and figure out this new life I am pursuing. And I will try new things to help me open up to the new (and hopefully better) person I am becoming. The people I am meeting are helping me open my eyes to more of the world and the cultures. My experiences so far have not made me regret my move out here and I plan to keep up my perseverance and feed the adventure side of me as much as I can.

Trust....well that's something I will have to figure out on the way-but one thing I have learned is that there is always a catch and I just have to make sure to keep my feet grounded and stay true to myself.


'There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on, it gets hard to breath....
Well, I'm not sure of my priorities,
I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be...
When my head is strong, but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty...
I guess there's so much more I have to learn'


~James Morrison  (because the songs I quote are sometimes cheesy  ;) )

improving.

'Addicted to a certain kind of sadness...'

It's a quote from a song and it's definitely an interesting phrase to think about.

People tend to flock to others that give them a certain emotion. If you are in a sad place, you tend to be around others that are in a similar state because let's face it-being around happy people when you are sad makes you a little resentful of their happiness-not because of the person, but because you want to be that happy and you just aren't ready to get there yet.

On the other end, when you are sad but ready to be happy, that's when being around happy people can help because then it rubs off on your emotions.

I feel like that is happening to me now. I was in a sad place and being around happy people was hard even though I could cover up the sadness most of the time. But now, I am ready to be happy, I want to be happy, so I want to be around happiness.

I want to be around people that will consistently encourage and push me to be the person I want to be.

The sadness is still there, it's not easy to completely shake it off, but I am fighting to break the surface of the drowning sea I have been struggling in.

Focusing on myself and the life I want has been uplifting-yes it has been a struggle, but I am learning who I am again. I am enjoying my own company again, as well as the company of others that bring out my personality-that enjoy me for me.

I have hidden parts of myself for too long. I want to break free of my darkness and live again. What greater place to come to this conclusion than London!!

(I wrote this in a notebook on the bus-when inspiration comes, you go with it and it felt great to feel inspired outside of my bubble in my room!)

just a dog.

A poem that was given to me today and it embodies everything that Captain meant to me, so I decided to share it on my blog. I hope it helps people to understand that animals are more and the connections some people have with them can be deep and full of emotion. It may seem silly to some and unrealistic to others, but this is how I feel and I'm ok if not everyone agrees as long as they see and respect my side.


Please read the poem and just take a few minutes to soak it in.


JUST A DOG

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or "that's a lot of money for just a dog."

They don't understand the distance travelled, the time spent,
or the costs involved for "just a dog."

Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog."

Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
"just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch
of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you probably understand
phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise."

"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship,
trust, and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience
that makes me a better person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look
longingly to the future.

So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog"
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future,
the fond memories of the past and the pure joy of the moment.

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts
away from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog"
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being 
"just a man" or "just a woman."

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog,"
just smile,
because they "just don't understand."

~Unknown Author~

oh captain, my captain.

The time has come to say goodbye to the best thing that ever happened to me - my gorgeous baby, Captain.

Even though it was cruel and unfair and way too early for his life to end, it still had to happen.

I added the collage to show some of his many faces and with one of his favorite toys, his shark, which he tore apart pretty well.

He has been with me for 4 years and man we have been through a lot together. I will always remember how excited he was to see me after I got back from Colorado, which was about 4 months of us being apart. I knew then that he would never be anyone else's dog but my own. The love I have for him is immense and I'm not sure anyone could really understand. He has been with me through thick and thin and I feel like a failed parent by not being able to be there with him at the end....

It would not have been fair to him to go through with any surgery or to keep him alive because he would never be the same-he would not be able to run like he loves to, or chase things or jump up into my arms, or just be the loving puppy I will always know him to be.

My great comfort at this time is knowing that he was with people that loved and cared for him this past month and some days. I know he was an extremely happy puppy throughout his life up until his last day.

This pain is greater than anything I have dealt with, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to move past it.....

I thank my family and friends for being there for me as much as they could with this distance (since I am in England at the moment while this all happened back in Minnesota). And I know I put them through a lot by not being able to accept this ending right away, but knowing I had such caring people around me during this time has meant a lot to me and it helped me to accept the truthfulness of the situation.

Now to lay down on my bed in my little attic and think about how I will take my next steps over these next few days......

pain.

I'm sitting here in my PJ's, after having a couple....maybe a few....glasses of wine, reminiscing over days past. I may be shedding some small tears thinking about how much I wish I could take many things back, thinking about how things could be different. Mostly I am taken back to my apartment near the Lincoln Depot in St. Cloud and how much potential that place had with starting a different path in my life....a path I would very much choose over my current one.

Now I am at a crossroads....I have checked off a few things from my bucket list (which has now become a written/typed document and is being recorded as I go along in life) such as getting a tattoo (in one of the most risky places on the body when it comes to jobs/careers-my left hand) and gauging my ears (I have been at 8g for about 4 weeks now and it took me 3 weeks to get there-still deciding if I want to go one more size bigger) and traveling to places across the world (including London/England and Barcelona so far). I'm now realizing the pain I am giving myself is not doing as much physically compared to what I feel emotionally, which is possibly crazy, but maybe I am trying to find some sort of outlet....

The crossroads is whether I want to find a photography job out here, actually anywhere, or to go for something non-profit, like I had been planning to do not very long ago....maybe something in Africa-like I've dreamed of for a while, or maybe something in the States, just to get a start somewhere. Or maybe I want to do some sort of ESL program, which would be another way for me to travel and see the world in places I could do some good. But maybe it would be better for me to stay where I currently am, build some friendships and see where life takes me from here. Clearly, I am unsure on where I want to go, and figuring it out is just giving me more of a headache.

Writing this makes me realize how far behind I have become on my travel blog....funny how it's easier for me to write about my emotional feelings than about my travels (which is supposed to be my passion). I guess I don't know where to start when it comes to my travel experiences...so much time has passed now that I am not sure what I want to write about anymore...so many things have become game-changing experiences and I'm not sure how much I want to share--if that makes any sense.

So I sit here, maybe shedding a few tears, maybe just soaking up the wine, and I remember how much my dreams used to excite me. Now that I am here, living my dreams, it's not quite the same as I imagined. In some ways it's so much more amazing and in others it's lacking and not quite what I imagined.

This life we live is so confusing. I wish it were back during the days when people would work through their problems instead of just throwing them away and leaving them behind....but who am I to talk when all I do is run from problems, or avoid the start of them so that it doesn't get to that point.

Alas, my issues have evolved to questions on whether this life is even worth it anymore. On what I am truly meant to be in this life.

To end with part of a song once again-this time one that was given to me during a time spent apart...

I watch the night turn light blue,
but it's not the same without you,
because it takes two to whisper quietly.
The silence isn't so bad,
till I look at my hands and feel sad...
'Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly...


~Owl City

happiness.

What a silly thing happiness is. It's just an emotion, an easy one at that, well most of the time anyways.

I'm in London! Holy jeeps! I can't believe I actually made it here! I feel fabulous, exciting, scared witless and happy.

I wish I could leave it at that, but there's more to it. I feel like I'm happy, who wouldn't be or couldn't be in my situation.

I'm surrounded by some amazing people, I'm learning spanish, portuguese and british english all at the same time, I'm taking some pretty amazing pictures, I'm writing a travel blog and I'm making some incredible friends and planning trips (like Barcelona next week!).

Like I said, I feel happy. Then I had this dream the other night. In the dream I felt happy, my happiest I suppose, the happy I have felt before and I realized I am happy but not my happiest- does this make sense?

I'm having a blast, but I know every day that something is missing, that there could be more. But hey, no matter what this missing thing is I am enjoying myself and I couldn't be in a better place. I know I am definitely happier than my previous state the past few months shown in my last posts. Getting away and going for something else has helped, I'm seeing the world and it excites me!

I'm getting there is all I can say. I don't know if I will ever reach that happiest part of me again, but I suppose it's something to aim for. In the mean time, Barcelona here I come! The rest of the world is next.  :)

A song to end with:


Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die...
Now you're just somebody that I used to know


-Gotye

a whole new world.

I have dived into a whole new world!

This life of traveling has always seemed to elude me, and I used to feel like it would never happen-that I was undeserving of it or that somehow I would be prevented from it. But here I am!! I am traveling and experiencing adventures I have only dreamed of! I honestly feel like I am in a dream! Every time I go somewhere, I feel like it is unreal-or surreal. Either way it is amazing! And I can only hope I can stay here for a while longer.

Anyways, this blog has been somewhat of a drag and not suited for writing about my travels, so I have started a new one. One all about my travels! And the experiences I come across. And hopefully I will be able to come up with some great tips for those that want to travel to the places I can only hope to see!

Here is the link:

http://adventureralive.blogspot.co.uk/

Please take a look, let me know what you think. Offer your own tips and suggestions. I hope to post many photos and videos along with descriptions of what is happening.

This blog will still serve the purpose of writing out my life, but in a different way than the travel blog. I will be more serious here, so if you want more humour, hop over to the other one  ;)

Follow me and spread the travel blog so I can reach out to others! Thank you bunches for your support!

Ending with these lyrics (maybe I will do this with all these blogs....songs just seem to express my thoughts better):


When you're dreaming with a broken heart 
The waking up is the hardest part 
You roll outta bed and down on your knees 
And for the moment you can hardly breathe


~John Mayer

running. maybe sprinting.

First a few updates;

Oklahoma was great! Stillwater is like St. Cloud with a southern accent and different names on their stores and restaurants, but the atmosphere is the same. There is a sense of community, a sense of the college town and definitely the sense of a small town. The newspaper I interviewed at was fun and lively with people I could see myself getting along with. It felt like a place I could make my home, but something extra just didn't click. London stayed in the back of my mind the whole time and I kept comparing the experiences I would have in Oklahoma to the experiences I would have in London and it just couldn't overpower my desire to go across seas.

There was also a 'sign' I encountered while I was there. I was at dinner the last night I stayed there with the editor in chief, and afterwards I got into my car and I was thinking which decision I wanted to make 'Oklahoma or London? Come on Tara.' As I pull out of the parking lot I look to my right and there in a shop window is a literal sign saying 'Clarks England.' Right then I just knew, I needed to go no matter what! Crazy huh? What an extremely cool thing to happen when I am at a crossroads in my life.

Since I have been back I have been vigorously getting ready for my trip. My target date to leave is March 12th unless something comes up that causes me to leave earlier or later. I bought a luggage set, sold more of my stuff, went through my clothes to decide what is going with me and getting tips from those that have traveled. I have also been working as much as I can to have some extra money in case the job hunt proves to be harder than I hope. I am applying for many journalism/media jobs as well as some nanny jobs just in case I need something to hold me over for a while.

It's all coming together slowly, with some disappointments as well. I may not be able to bring my dog, Captain, over with me right away because it costs quite a lot of money to get him on a plane and then through customs over there, so I may have to give him over to someone for a month or two before I can have him sent to me. I want to make sure I find a job with a steady cash flow so that I will not end up paying for him to get there then having to leave shortly after if I cannot find a job. Thankfully I know some people that may be able to take care of him for a little while. Hopefully it will work out for me to get him to me soon because right now he is the only stable thing in my life and I don't know what I would do without him. You dog lovers will definitely understand what I am going through-it's hard to just get rid of a dog especially when they become like family and even children to you.

By going to London I am definitely running. Maybe even sprinting.

I am running away from this current place, the place I went to high school, had my first job, the place I went to college and met some of my greatest friends, the place I lived and the feelings and memories here. They are not all bad mind you, but I don't feel like this is home anymore. They say home is where the heart is...well I don't even know where my heart is anymore so that must be the problem.

I am also running towards something. Towards a new adventure, a new place to make new memories, a place that can help fulfill the dreams that I think I have, or at least used to have. Towards a place that will help me discover myself again and a place that will open up new doors for me in my life.

I have come to the realization that nothing good lasts. I hate the fact I am being pessimistic with that statement, but I have put a lot of thought into it. Relationships just don't last. Whether it be friendships, families or couples. People are too selfish to keep good things going and somebody always messes it up somehow. Of course I want to be proven wrong, and I know there are a few exceptions, but not without their own hard times.

I'm not letting this get me down, rather I have realized I will not ever be able to have a long-term relationship, which is fine because if I did then I would have to give up my dreams of seeing the world (and I have done that a few times already with relationships). There is just no way I could ask someone to give up their life to travel the world with me.

SO I will be going solo! I will try my best to make friends everywhere I go, experience and soak in the many cultures I hope to see, then take pictures and write about them. Why not be that person, because there has to be somebody that does this, so here I am jumping and raising my hand to be picked for this wonderful adventure. I know when my life ends I do not want to look back and think I really missed out on something in the world. I did the whole Love thing, I've experienced it, so now I am moving on to other experiences.

I guess it just hurt so much in the end and I don't want to go through that again. I'm still hurting. And I hate that I have this known weakness about me that just unravels all my strength and emotions at times. Yes I call it a weakness, though some may disagree, but I feel that way when something brings me down to a point that I feel useless and unimportant and average. I'm just ready for a change, and the United Kingdom is definitely change!


A song to end with;

The way I’ve gone a hundred times before,
But now I’m left behind to make all of this make sense.
And now your voice is haunting me,
Just out of reach, it buries me.
Is this the better off that you meant?

~Emery

london. . . .

Since my last post I have been doing a lot! Like, well, A LOT!

I've been to Minneapolis quite a lot, keeping myself busy with friends, events and whatever else is around. Stayed with one of my best friends for a couple nights, looked and applied for jobs there and went out to clubs with my girls for some much needed dancing and letting loose. Then I went home for a night, then got the chance to go to an international Red Bull event called Crashed Ice in St. Paul to take pictures! It was crazy awesome! You can see some of my pics HERE

I got access to the media viewing areas, which were in great spots for photos, though some of the other media people got in my way at times. I was able to attend the press conference with the 3 winners and the rookie winner, which was pretty awesome, and I was invited to the after party-crazy fun!!

From there I went to that After Party with some friends and the parties went til 5:30am....haven't done that in a long time! But it was a blast!

Getting to my point though-the next day I reconnected with one of my cousins, whom I hadn't seen for several years. He is studying political science at Bethel University and we didn't run out of things to talk about. During the conversation he told me about a friend of his that is planning on just taking all his money and moving to London to look for a job.

This got me thinking-why the hell not? This is the perfect time in my life to try it!!!! I have my degree, I have no obligations to stay here and I have some money saved up to afford a ticket. I have a couple friends that live there that can hopefully help me out a little and I've been wanting to travel like crazy, so why not?!?!?!?! The hour and a half I drove home after we hung out I thought about all the possibilities, the negatives and the positives and all I could do was smile! It's perfect! I could sell most of my possessions for a little extra cash, store the ones I really want to keep, pack a bag or two, grab my dog and go!

I'm doing my research, don't worry! I will need to get some things set up with my dog for him to be able to go and I will need to tie up some loose ends here before I can go, but it's a realistic goal I think!

If I don't at least try then I will just keep kicking myself later on, and this is a chance in a lifetime-to travel somewhere in Europe, to do photography, to experience life! I can't think of a real good reason not to do it! Life is too short not to live the way I want to, and this is something I know in my heart that I want to do!

I do have an opportunity to interview for a job at a newspaper in Oklahoma, which is a great opportunity! But I don't think I should now that I have the chance and the idea to go to London.....I may still drive down for the interview to see how I feel about it when I'm there, but I'm going to work towards getting to London soon. My goal would be to go in about a month and a half....

I would greatly appreciate any opinions, thoughts, ideas or words you may have for me friends, so please comment or message me.

strength.

I have to stay strong.

At least that's what I'm told. And I want to stay strong so very much, but yet I have my weak days, like yesterday. I had barely been back from Colorado for a day and I have a weak day.

Enough is enough though right? I know this will happen. Good days, then bad days, and then the bad will eventually fade away over time. But it's just so hard when I see that he is doing just fine, that nothing fazes him.

Yuck-how can someone be like that? Just to be able to turn their emotions off completely and become utterly selfish? I'm not ok with selfish, and I have mentioned before how relationships are give and take which makes it work. So I don't want to be with a selfish person, or an unemotional one at that. And yet part of me wants things to go back to how they were, it still doesn't want to give up on the life we had and the dreams we shared and created.....

I'm going to be strong because I know I will get through this a better person. Colorado helped spur me into some motivation and inspiration again, so I will try to hold onto that.

I have an opportunity to possibly get a job at the local newspaper. I was saying in another post how I feel stuck in this place and how I would like to get out, but how can I pass up such a great opportunity? I could try for it and if I get it then I could keep looking for other journalism jobs and see what happens, but the bad thing is I will have to see him around. Even if it's not physically, I will still see the memories more clearly, the people we made friends with, or even see him with someone new. These things might tear me apart and I don't know if I can handle them.

Being strong has always been a part of my childhood, and yet I feel it crumbling away sometimes-all the work I put towards being a strong, independent woman is fading slowly. I know I won't ever lose it all completely, but I don't know how to keep it either.

My friends are amazing. They are helping me through things and being there for me in many ways. Many know their words won't really help, but just being around them helps, at least in the distraction area. I have been doing many things to distract myself, maybe not all healthy, but I'm learning.

Today has been a better day. I applied for more jobs, many including magazine positions in New York City, which would be a fun place to be located at for a while. I feel slightly hopeful at the idea of getting somewhere with my new career.

So here's to Strength and to staying motivated!!!

P.S. Thanks for reading-it helps to get this all out in some way and knowing I have friends watching over me is comforting.

dreams.

I've been in Colorado since Friday now, and it's amazing! I love waking up to the mountains, driving through them and snowboarding on them. I definitely missed this place and I am having a lot of fun! The mountains are like a blank canvas and I don't even know where to start with taking pictures. I was at Beaver Creek resort yesterday and took some of a creek bed and the village-I was too nervous to bring my camera up the mountain since it has been two years since I rode on a real mountain. I feel inspired and free here in a different way than in Minnesota. I feel like I am a different person here, a better me in a way. I feel more open and happy, and like the world is at my fingertips, like I can do anything.

But there's still something missing. I love the memories of when I was here two years ago-the people I met, the experiences, the atmosphere, and yet there are sad memories as well. I knew they would come and I was ready to face them, but it didn't make it any easier. It made me miss some things-the way we were, or rather the way I was, the good and the bad, which made me a better person and I feel like that person may have disappeared some when I went back to Minnesota.

The last two nights I've had dreams. Dreams, more like nightmares, I've had before within the last year that were along the same context. Now I feel like maybe they were there to tell me how things would really be....I listened to the song in the spot I used to always listen to it-between Frisco and Copper Mountain...it always reached me somehow so I felt like it was needed. Sorry I am being vague with the dreams and the song, but I don't feel like I need to go into details with them because they really are not that important and I know what they mean....well at least I am trying to decipher them and figure out their meanings.

I am finding myself again and I am happy, there is no doubt about that, but I have realized I am very much a relationship person. And there is nothing wrong with that! Even though I have been told (by few mind you, and many I have talked to do not agree) I should be able to separate myself from my relationships. This doesn't make sense to me because if you are in a relationship you have to give up parts of yourself to be with that person, to make them happy and in turn to make you happy. If something is going bad in a relationship, then it shuffles over to your whole life as well, there is no way to separate these-at least I wouldn't want to. I want to share my experiences and my life with someone and there is nothing wrong with that.

Even though I am a relationship person, I will not settle. I want to make sure I feel that spark, that connection and I want to be with someone that shares similar dreams and aspirations with me. They are big and it may take a while, but I will try to be patient. Also, I will not lead anyone on by trying to be straight and honest with them...it's just not fair to others and, like I said, I won't settle.

So here I am in Colorado...figuring myself out and living life! I can't wait to see what happens!